Well, hmph, I’ve just been informed (by myself, of course) that I am incredibly ridiculous. In about the last month, my life has completely shifted and I’ve began leading myself down a much different path than I’ve ever been down. If I wanted to, I could blame it on a rekindled friendship (or two or three) that has happened recently. But if I want to be honest with myself, this isn’t their fault at all. This was an internal change that I made back in September.
I’ve lost myself. When I look in the mirror, I have no idea who is looking back. I don’t know what my goals are or who I’m living for or why I’m making the decisions I am. I don’t know where I’m at or why I’m there. Since I was twelve years old, I always told myself that I’d have these kinds of experiences. But now that I’m having them (and too often for comfort), I’m at a standstill. I’m not so sure what to do. I’m having fun, I know that. I still (mostly) respect myself and my decisions. I know that I’m still the strong one and I haven’t disappeared. But I’m still not sure what to do.. Like 85% of the time, I’m completely happy with my life. But the other 15%, I feel confused and suffocated. Last night at 1:30, I had to get out of there. I felt so confined and so confused that whenever I stepped out of that house and closed the door behind me, I broke. I started crying. And before long, I was shaking and shaking and it had nothing to do with the cold air. I drove around for about 30 minutes before going home and I prayed a lot and I sang a lot and I cried a lot. And when I crawled into bed, I felt better.
But this morning, it was eating at me again. The only thing that just bothers me is how far away I’ve been dragging others from Christ…not only myself (that I can fix.) And..just, I dunno. Last night, I realized that I could hang out without conforming…but it’s just not near as fun! *hpmh* I’m still learning and dealing with it right now and I might let you know whenever I make my final decision =]
Peace, Love & Herpes ❤
Xanga 
I hope for the best and love you no matter what. Always remember that! Mkay?
I’m glad u had SDS! And I’m glad that moment was due to me. lol That happened to me the other night too. In different circumstances of course. But still-I was upset, I got in my car and SDS came on and the volume went up up up and I sang away! It was great. SDS is great~especially for when ur feeling lost and confused and upset and angry. I hope u get this all figured out. I’m praying for you. I know it’s tough. Believe me or not. But I do. Even though the situation is slgihtly different~I have been where u are. Rekindled friendships I could blame for the same thing-the fact that I was having fun most of the time but also feeling guilty. And I know it’s probably even harder for u because u’ve been sayin this would happen since u were 12 and ur finally here at this point in ur life/ I know it’s tough babe but you’ll get through it. I love you so so much and I’m always here for u! I pinky promise!
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Be careful dear, the farther away you go the harder it is to regain that innocence. I love you wherever you are though, I just want you to be where you want to be.
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