for once in my life, i want someone to be sure about me

The truth is, you could slit my throat
& with my one last gasping breath
I’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt.

Valentine’s Day wasn’t as horrible as it could’ve been. I mean, it was pretty horrible. I cried…but nobody knows that. I ended up getting out of my ortho appointment though so I was pretty pumped about that. Andd, I got some chocolate and my mom gave me some cash to go to the movies. =] Me, Jeska, Jeff & Roy (posse times, eh!) went and saw Definitely Maybe. Omg, it was PRECIOUS. I cried a whole bunch. Jeff said everytime he looked over at Jeska & I, we had our hands over our faces crying, lol. It wasn’t the best chick flick ever or anything, but it was a rad movie. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I cried at completely not sad parts…like the penguins part. Just because I connect penguins with life mates and it just made me cry. What I really enjoyed was hanging out with Jeff, Jeska and Roy listening to love songs. I didn’t feel as lonely…even though in essence, I am still the most alone.

Tonight, me and the J-kids went to Dairy Queen in Ball. =] So it was the best day ever, duhhh! The chicken was great and the moolatte was great, but the best thing was just sitting in the booth w/ Jeska & Jeff talking. I’d missed just hanging out with them two. In my mind, things are still rocky in that department, but I think it is definitely still all in my mind and in reality, everything is alright. I’m really mad at myself for quitting smoking though. Because it has changed so much stufff…and it has made me more depressed. There was nothing wrong with me smoking. And now Jeff and Jeska think they have the right to tell me I can’t smoke because I’ve supposedly made this commitment to myself. The only reason I’d feel bad is because I’d feel like I was going back on a promise to Rusty. Even though he’s gone back on it occaisonally. He just won’t be able to understand my reasoning of not wanting to quit. Nobody could ever understand. It’s another one of my I feel inadequate and like shit the majority of the time problems. Siiiiiighs, I know that I have a lot of inner issues and that I’m messed up and screwed up and ridiculous…I’m basically looking for someone who will overlook all of my insecurities and struggles and love me for me.

Xanga is trying to be all high-tech and it’s SO annoying!

We’re never gonna win the world, we’re never gonna stop the war.
We’re never gonna beat this, if belief is what we’re fighting for.

She was like the third beer. Not the first one, which the throat receives with almost tearful gratitude; not the second, that confirms and extends the pleasure of the first. But the third, the one you drink because it’s there, because it can’t hurt, and because, what difference does it really make?

xoxo, hil*