We’re drowning..

The only thing I believe in is uncertainty. And that’s the scariest thing I’ve ever said. I can’t lie anymore. I have no idea what to believe in. Except myself. Even though the majority of the time, I’m just an illusion, too.

Of all the things in the WORLD we talk about and I could be scared of, I’m scared of riding in/driving vehicles and sleeping alone. What the hell. And clowns. And the cookie monster. And myself.

Not being able to sleep is incredibly stupid. Thinking is incredibly stupid. I should’ve at least talked to Rusty about important issues while I had him “on the line.” But I know he gets tired of talking about these issues all the time.

Since we’ve begun talking, I’ve begun worrying so much more. I used to be worried about you doing something crazy in the long run. Now I’m scared of you giving up. Or you settling for the robot life and not changing the world I know that you have to. I’m so right behind you…come on.. You’ve got this. Never give up.

Whenever I was 13, I decided that I wanted to do something big with my life. At that point, the only thing I could think of was doing missionary work. I wanted to change people’s lives and give them hope. People have different outlooks on the world and at such a young age, I saw a terrible sadness. I saw hunger, sickness, helplessness, hopelessness…and it scared me. I wanted to give them hope. As I started going through high school, it became harder t see any type of “hope” (no matter what beliefs I tried to force onto everybody) because I felt that the “good” I wanted to show everyone was only in me…and it was only an illusion. Something that faded as days went by. The evil in the world was bigger than me. What could I do? The hopelessness I had previously seen in the world was then very evident in myself, as well.

What if Rusty is right about the “taste of evil?” What if I’m just falling into another form of slavery? What if thats what everything is? *sighs* What if I want to go back and I can’t?

That’s my question to you. One day, you should probably answer it.