“She calls me Goliath and I wear a David mask…”

Agh….people reading my xanga makes me quite the nervous. I don’t let ANYBODY into my heart/mind. I don’t like to risk the judgement, so I don’t open up to anyone. And whenever you read this, you make me feel exposed. Now I have to make all of my posts protected so that only Jeska can read them. She’s the only person I’ve ever let in. And I’ve begun letting Jessica in, as well. Because I trust her. =] I don’t trust many people. I have a hard time with trust.

I gots a shot today. =] I hope to get better soon so I can focus on SCHOOL! w00t. ❤ I’m about to go back to Ruston and go to History! ^_^ Looooooovesss to ya.

I’m an asshole

Fuck my life.

“Sometimes you just cant tell someone how you feel. Not because you don’t trust them, and you think they’ll think you’re weird, but because you can never really find the right words to make them understand. It makes you frustrated. People take things a hundred different ways, and that’s why its so hard. But, if what you’re trying to say is meant to be said, it will find a way to be understood.”

Rusty has inspired me to change.

We made a promise that I shall keep.

I quit smoking tonight.

And we’re reading A Purpose Driven Life together for the next 40 days. ^_^

And I’m thinking about giving someone a chance. I just don’t know yet. I’m going to pray about it. It really feels good to say that.

It’s 3p.m.” she said, I said
“You’re crazy”
She said “get out of bed, why are you so lazy? Why waste the day away?”
I said, “Because I’m tired”
“Wendy’s called by th eway, they told me that you’re fired.”

Woah oh oh, Woah oh oh
So wreckless for all these years
Woah oh oh, woah oh oh
I crash into a wall
Woah oh oh , Woah oh oh
there’s a ringing in my ears
Woah oh oh, Woah oh oh
and it’s my wake up call
Jesus gave me a wake up call
oh
take this world with a grain of salt
Jesus gave me a wake up call

“It’s 3 a.m.” she said, “Who are you, Matchbox 20?”
She said, “Are you getting rest?”
Sarcastic, I said “Plenty”
“Don’t be a hypocrit.”
I asked “What are you saying?”
When you praise God, do you meant it?
Are you sleeping when you’re praying?

Woah oh oh, Woah oh oh
so wreckless for all these years
Woah oh oh, Woah oh oh
I crash into a wall
Woah oh oh, Woah oh oh
There’s a ringing in my ears
and it’s my wake up call
God gave me a wake up call
Take this world with a grain of salt
Jesus gave me a wake up call

“And I’m in so deep. You know I’m such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?”

This is the day it begins. I’m ready to give it all up and start afresh. :]

I turned it down tonight for the absolute first time. And that felt nice. I can do it because I see Jeska doing it, too. If I spend a lot of time with Rusty, I can quit smoking cigarettes.

New Years Eve was amazing. Jeska, Jessica and I ended up at this guy Stanley’s house out in the middle of nowhere. The highlight of this time was watching Hannah Montana with Jeska and Buttercup, playing I Never by the fire, drinking beer, taking shots of tequila and drinking an AMAZING margarita and singing Dinosaur with Stanley’s…dad? Idk! Haha, AMAZING! So whenever I left there, the alcohol all hit me and I was pretty wasted. We went over to Tyler Hitt’s house and it was so great. I drank more beer..that I don’t even know where came from. We listened to Tyler and Travis’ band play and they were just the greatest thing. I saw TONS of people that I love. :] I was really excited when out of NOWHERE, Nathan Keesler appeared! ^.^ And then Jcarr showed up, too. :] So I basically tackled Jcarr and gave him all my love. Then, we went to the Watermark..and I drank more beer and half a crown & coke! ^_^ Whenever 2008 became 2009, I was inside the Watermark jumping up and down screaming Happy New Years and then I kissed Roy and then Catfish! Right after that, I ran outside where Jeska was on the telefono w/ boyfriend Brian and I kissed her, haha. ^_^ Fun drunk times! After that, Fisk drove me and Jeska to Ihop in my car and we met Eric, Casey, Kori n Rusty. After we ate and had a good ole time, Eric and Casey proved to be the douches they are and left out of nowhere, so Rusty n Kori rode home with us! Rusty was trashed and at one point, he looked like he was going to cry. Kori wasn’t doing anything and I just wanted to make him better! And that is ALL. ^_^ And Im happy!!!

BITCHESSSS

I wanna wake up where you are
I won’t say anything at all

It’s weird that it’ll be 2009 in less than 24 hours. I should probably have some profound wise speech to make. I read my posts from last year, laughed at myself and thought, “Wow, I sure was a confused little girl.” Which led to me laughing at myself again because I apparently haven’t learned a single thing in the entire past year. I feel like I have, though. I feel like I’ve grown up and learned and lived and experienced. But reading last year’s post, I am still the same girl I was. Just less innocent. It’s ridiculous that I’m in the exact same boat as I was. Why didn’t I expire those relationships that were holding me back? Why didn’t I search until I found myself? Why didn’t I do all of the things I wanted to do? And now that a new year is beginning, all I can do is start over. I’ll make new resolutions, make a list of things I want to start/stop and probably never carry through with any of the plans I make.

But I don’t want to look back on this year’s blog and think the same things I am now. But the problem is..I can’t think of what I need to change. And that’s the real problem. I know I have things that need to be changed, but I am not actually considering what they might be. I know I have to do -something- in the boy department. But I don’t have any way to resolve that, so I’ll save that for later. *sighs* I seriously don’t even know anything anymore. So hey, I’ll write something fun! Some things that have CHANGED this past year!

I had another best friend switch. Jessica Katherine Girod FTW! I lost and regained Jeska. w00t. =] I had my first real kiss and then a million more. I -almost- gave my heart to someone who didn’t deserve me. And then ended up giving it to someone else who didn’t deserve me..even though I’m still convinced he does :] I wore an illegal smile…a lot. :] And yeah…damn. It’s been CRAZY as hell!

So I was sitting in the car tonight listening to Garth Brooks and Nirvana hoping they’d give me some insight for my life and I looked at the clock as it turned 11:11. I decided I’d make the perfect wish..and whenever I had it, I looked at the clock..only to see that it had slipped away. 11:12. What a terrible time.

“And its been a long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass”

Christmas break is halfway over.

I just feel like crying. Not because it’s almost over..but just because it’s been so amazing. It’s been a replay of last year. It’s been exactly what I needed. ALSO though–

It’s been exactly what I needed to make me realize I’m not fuckn over him. :[

I’ve had good talks with Jeska. I’m so glad that we’re friends again. She’s the only person in the world who really gets me. Besides Rusty. And she knows even more than he does, so it’s a big deal.

It’s Brian’s last night in town and we’re getting trashed. I hate it when he comes down..because it just makes me so unbearably sad. I swear I’ll cry for days after he leaves. But tonight shall be amazing. The only thing that would make it better is if Hillary would be there, but we’ve already had our expected drunk night with Hill. So we can’t get another one since she has to hang out with Drave n Justin.

Christmas Eve was terrible. I don’t even want to remember it.

Christmas was pretty great. I went up to Grandmother’s for a little bit and then left to smoke a cigarette with Amber and then went straight to Rusty’s and stayed there the entire day. I bonded with his family a lot and it made me extremely happy. =]

The other night, I stayd at Rustys w/ him, Jeska, Brian, Eric n Hill. And we played Suck & Blow again. Just like last year, but I actually participated this year. :] Everybody ended up kissing actually. It was funny. Kissing Eric was completely awkward, but oh wells! I just love hanging out and being stupid! ^_^

“I swear I didn’t mean for it to feel like this…like every inch of me is bruised…”

The most fun we’ve had so far is the night after Christmas, we went up to Chad’s and then we came home because it sucked. And we wanted to drink a lil bit down at Jeska’s land. So we were gonna do that, but we decided to go over to Kristin’s. But THEN…we got the cavalier stuck in a HUGE ass mud hole thing. It was just me, Fisk, Jeska n Brian.. and we didn’t know what to do. So yeah.. We called Penguin and he brought this huge ass truck to pull us out and IT GOT STUCK! So while they tried to get it out for four hours, Jeska me and Brian sat in the car and listened to music. ^.^ It was beautiful. I enjoyed it sooo much. And then whenever we got it unstuck, we went back to Monroe on ZERO sleep. :] It was just completely fantastic.

Things are so different between me and everyone I know. I’m so different.

All apologies.

xoxo, hil*

This is just a token of my appreciation.

High the hell are ya?

I love making new friends and bonding with them in that special, special way. =]

Me, Jeska, Antonio, Derek & Adam watched Zack n Miri Make A Porno today! Its kinda awkward to watch with guys you don’t know all so well! haha. Not really though. I like other people feeling awkward. :]

I went to the bar for the first time last night.

And I was teh DD.

Pissed me off. =]

Cups of beer make Hilary a bad DD.

I saw Worm and it made me happy.

And Kyle. We’re best friends, duh.

Ricky scares me when he’s drunk. He’s way too friendly.

I love love love drunk Rusty

and drunk Jeska. =]

And Derek.

Jeska threw up on the way home. It smelled like strawberry flavored beer. Isn’t that amazing? She’s currently asleep in my bed. I’ve been up for three hours. And it’s only 8am. I’m about to crawl back in bed and take a nap though actually.

I enjoyed the club-bar scene a lot more than I imagined.

Ooh, I loooooooooove you. ^_^