Corey and I are over before we even began.

I fucked it up.

I’m not meant for relationships.

I’m not meant for happiness.

It’s true.

Tomorrow, I’m going home.

I hate Ruston.

It’s suffocating me.

I don’t have any friends anymore.

All I want is to disappear for a while.

Let’s see.

It’s almost the weekend and I still haven’t written about last weekend.

I was drunk all last weekend actually. Friday, we went out to Cecil Kelly’s house in Ward 5 and I drank some beer. :]] The best moment of the night was when Jessica was walking with me to the car to get a beer and I couldn’t find the lock to unlock the car and was stumbling around. Jessica says, “HILARY! YOU’RE SO DRUNK!” And right about that time, she runs smack dab into somebody’s tailgate. It was beautiful. Something happened with the cops getting called and pressing charges about something, so we all headed out. None of us were fit to drive, but Carr drove my car anyway. And we stayed at Carr’s.

Saturday…I took church pictures. (I’m so glad that’s over with.) And then I hung out with Jessica for a while until Eric and Rusty got back from Monroe. And then we all hung out :]] We went to some party in Hebert at Josh Hogg’s house. I took 2 shots of patrone, about 20 jello shots and then I drank a couple beer. It was intense. And Jess n me slept at Rusty’s. It made me so happy to cuddle up to him again. To hold his hand as he slept. It was precious :]]

This week has been alright. Next week, I have to write my research paper and I’m so upset about that. It’s due really fucking soon. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. I’m NERVOUS.

light your cigarette
and kiss me
love me.

As we grow older, it becomes difficult to just
believe. It’s not that we don’t want to, but
too much has happened and we can’t.
++Now & Then

When I sleep, I dream of you.
And when I wake, I long to hold you in my arms.
If anything, our time apart has only made me more certain
that I want to spend my nights by your side, and my days with your heart.
++Nights in Rondanthe ; Nicholas Sparks

I look at people holding hands in the hallways, and I try
to think about how it all works. at the school dances, I sit
in the background and I tap my toe, and I wonder how
many couples will dance to ‘their song’. in the hallways, I
see the girls wearing the guys’ jackets and I think about the
idea of property. and I wonder if anyone is really happy. I hope
they are. I really hope they are.
++the perks of being a wallflower

We did not change as we grew older.
We just became more clearly ourselves.
++Andy Warhol

 

I’d missed my home away from home in West Monroe.

I’m so happy that I stayed with Melissa last night.

Even though the cops at the park practically tried to search our shit.

I love Melissa’s boyfriend. I’m so happy for her! So proud, too!

She’s got a good thing going.

I wish I had a good thing going.

Here’s the coversation from last night basically. “Rusty wants me to have sex with him.” “I don’t care if you do, but there will be no more us.” “I’m not going to, but there really isn’t an us anyway, right?” “You mean, we’re not anything?” “Well, I mean, apparently we’re SOMETHING, but WHAT?” “I don’t know, but I know I care.”

What the fuck. He wants me to be faithful to him, but he already professed a gazillion times that he doesn’t want a relationship with me. And I’m not feeling where he has to be faithful to me? Wtf is wrong with that boy. He can’t have his cake and eat it too.

And Rusty was bein real precious until I told him I wasn’t gonna fuck him. Ha. Then he stopped talking. Until I was like…bitch ass, u know i’ma kill u if ur not nice. So he was nice ^.^

I’m ready to see Jessica today with all that I am. And wash clothes. And see my mommy and my daddy and my sister. Oh yeah. And pass this damn sociology test at 1230. I should look over that.

Best thing about last night: I have a lovely gross-looking cut on my EYE.

We were sitting on the dragonfly in the park and Melissa decided to throw a TWIZZLER at me.

Yes, a TWIZZLER cut me.

And that is all.

our lives are shaped
by those who love us
and those who refuse to.

Concerts are my soul. Kaylin’s boyfriend’s band is playing a show Friday night in Shreveport. I’m thinking about going. I really need some happiness in my life and this seems like a great way to achieve it.

If I could have anything right now, it would be going to Bruin with Melissa, listening to garth brooks all the way there and then getting drunk on the dock and talking about love, life and everything that goes with it.

Corey and I had sammich time tonight. I took a five hour nap and whenever I woke up, I was real hungry. But you know me, I have money, so I’m buying cigarettes instead. On the way to the store, Corey called and wanted me to pick him up because he was walking home from the gym. After I picked him up, we sat and talked for a while. He told my hand and kissed me every few minutes while I was on the phone with Jessica. ^_^ He makes me smile. What a fabulous friend to have. Then, we got hungrry and went to the grocery store to buy sammich stuff. We ate sammiches on the bed of his truck. Bread, turkey ‘n ranch dressing. That’s our shit! haha. Then, we talked for a long while about…anything I could make him talk about. I’m trying to get inside his mind, but it’s so difficult. Whenever he went to leave, we hugged and I have him the friend tap. It was so embarrassing. He was like…”Really? Okay, I’m leaving now. I’m uh, tapping out.” I felt so bad about it because I didn’t mean to. I just was getting some not so beautiful vibes tonight. I didn’t mean to give him the awkward friend hug. I love that douchebag with my whole heart. He’s so precious.

It’s true. We like people for their qualities and love them for their defects.

I’d really like this.

I hate how you can talk about girls and I can’t feel jealous, but you’re always so jealous.

I hate telling my friends that we’re just really close friends..when it looks so different from the outside in. Kiss me behind their backs, but always love me in their presence. Please. That’s all I need from you.

“Before we came to Tech, you’d always text me when it was raining and say you’d love to kiss me in the rain. It’s rained since we’ve been here and you’ve never called.”

These three boys are STILL circulating in my head and have been since the beginning of the summer.

One is drunk with all my friends probably gettin’ real crunk n loud and singing country songs on karaoke.

One just got baby dreads in his hair, lives in FLORIDA and always makes me smile.

The other…well, my belt is laying on his floor and I’m about to go receive it.

Corey said, “Well, he’s going to go away and I’m still going to be here.” Maybe that shit makes you not feel jealous. But it just makes me sad. Whenever you find a new bitchass girl, I’ll still fucking be here, too. What then? What happens when I’m the jealous one?

Told Kaylin today. She thought it was real funny.

I love my sister dude.

I know there’s nothing wrong with everything being right

And I can’t put my finger on it

but something about you has left me beaming

My heart is racing

My heads spinning

But things are looking better all the time.

I may still be lonely but you’re on my mind

And things are looking better all the time

And you might seem a million miles away

but you’re in my dreams tonight.

 

I’m a whore.

It just happened.

But I very much am one.

Rusty and Korey broke up.

He’s mine again. Pahahaha. =] I’ve missed sleeptime so much.

I’m not going to lie. It hurt very very very badly. But I think it’s very very very very much worth it. 

Hey yo bitch! Suck my dick!

Oh yeah. I’m fucking Rusty tomorrow.

When autumn comes,
It doesn’t ask
It just walks right in,
Where you left it last
&& you never know when it starts,
Until there’s fog inside the glass
Around your summer heart.

 

Quit taking my innocence.

I miss Aaron Joseph Smith.

But how can you miss someone you never really knew?

I wish I would’ve slept with Rusty.

He’s the only person I ever wanted to give any part of me.

I skipped English today and spent the hour in bed with Corey instead.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Why does everything always hurt so bad?

Can I crawl into a ball and be emo today?

Tomorrow sounds like a great day to get shitty drunk and watch girly movies.

Corey finds another way to be
The highlight of my day
I’m taking pictures in my mind
So I can save them for a rainy day
It’s hard to make conversation
When he’s taking my breath away

Hardcore diet starts tomorrow. w00t.

So I’ve eaten a fuckton of junkshit today.

I’ve been here before a few times and I’m quite aware we’re dying.

I’m spending another day alone. I hope I can do that all day tomorrow. I probably can. 🙂

My hair is black as night. One hundred and six dollars out of my hearts and guns wallet.

All I wanna do is -add gun sounds here- -lala- -chaching- and take your money.

Aside from seeing Ashlee for a few minutes, I haven’t seen anyone interesting today.

And it’s not something that bothers me much.

I hate that he probably has no idea what is running through my mind, but he thinks he does anyhow.

I did the most random thing today. I drove around to where I used to do big sisters. And I thought a lot about Christian. About his life. How I abandoned him. If I’ll ever see him again. If he’d forgive me. I loved my little brother very much. I hope some day in the future, I’ll see him again and I can give him a big ass bear hug and hopefully, he’ll be a big football player and he’ll be really happy leading his high school team to victory. I hope he grows up and goes to college. I hope he lives his dreams. I hope he remembers what I tried to teach him. I hope he remembers me.

<A class=thickbox href="http://s4.tinypic.com/hu1x69.jpg&quot; name='
View Raw Image‘ jQuery1222917740810=”17″>

Hey baby, call me. I mean, I’m just laying in my bed waiting on you. Are you really too busy to give me a call? Best friend? Really? You would do this to me. And you were the one I was counting on not to do this. Rawr//

It’s something to wish things were the same between you and someone as they were whenever your relationship was strictly through text messages.

Take him & cut him out into little stars
& he will make the face of heaven so fine
that all the world will be in love with night.
-Romeo & Juliet

I’m off to take a nap until 9 when I wake up to do English homework. I probably won’t do that English until tomorrow, but it’s a nice thought. =] Right? hehe. Happy trails.

I wish Roy would stop downing my God. Just because he doesn’t believe. I mean, I don’t really..but I try to respect his beliefs. Why can’t he? I mean, two months ago, he believed the same as I.

Just when life starts feeling overwhelming, just remember, you’re going to die.