I’ve forgotten to think before I act.

Thinking takes up time and energy. Time that I can’t waste…and energy that I don’t have.

Saturday night, Jesss, Carr & I went out to Kaci’s to see Hillawy and had a lots of fun. I got drunkkkk. Off beer. I know. Wtf! And then we went swimmin. And I lost my shirt. And my underwears. And I was wearing a skirt. haha I love my life.

So I went to Rusty’s and we all cuddledd….and I still did the leg thing because I didn’t give a SHIT! =] I loves Jess n Rusty way too much.

Shut the fuck up.

Thinking about getting my lip pierced next week. And dye’n my hair this week.

So today, I realized how similar Dawn and I are. We are the shit. And I love her. And she smokes smooths. ^_^ I really need to just drop everything here and go live with her.

Saturday made me smile. You made me smile. You made me remember. You made me happy.

“A cigarette is the perfect type of perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more could one want?” –Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

We got the Escape back tonight. It made me happy ridin around listenin to Snoop again.

Ya bitch. So I’m gone to smoke a cigarette and remember how much I love my life.

 

Ridiculous? I never claimed to be anything less ^_^

Sitting here listening to Hilary Duff…Ridiculous is my life.

Tonight was something else. We were anticipated getting our house back. But it never happened, so we were pretty bummed about that. But anyway, Jess and I ended up going up to San Miguels bc Ash called. So we went up there. It was like almost all of the old crew. I loved it.

Me, Jess, Fish, Carr, Eric, Matt, Penguin..plus others. It was just honestly..really nice.

Jessica’s memaw made dinner, so we hung out over there for a couple hours with Justin and Chasity. I’ve grown really comfortable with her family. So we were all just big chillin watchin LA Ink and stuff. =] Yay.

Tomorrow I’m going to see Danielle!! I’m pretty stoked. And I’m probably gonna go see that Mirrors movie w/ Rusty Lee and probably crash in the Rusty bed listenin to Skillet or watchin Tupac. Rawr. =]

And Saturday I’m going DORM SHOPPING w/ mi madre. ^_^ And Jess is randomly going to Shreveport with the familia.

I spent like 30 hours at the coffee shop today downloading lots of music. I loves my laptop. And Dock got me that ipod connectin thingy. hehe. Happy birthday to me. “Why is there beer in my fridge?” “Jessica is an alcoholic, duh.” hehe. ^_^ I loves my Jessica. She’s da alcoholic and I’m da chain smoker. It’s switched!! “I’M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC!!” tehe. ^_~

“Im sooo gonna have sex with you.” “Only cuz my u know. I bet” “Maaaaybe.” Lmao. Lockjaw much? Wtf! ^_^

Your face arrives again
All hope I had becomes surreal
But under your cover’s
More torture than pleasure
And just past your lips
There’s more anger than laughter
Not now or forever will I ever change you
I know that to go on I’ll break you, my habit

 

remember: the smell of grass. smiles. car rides. family. good relationships. bad relationships. the ocean breeze. quotes. art. music. the feeling of victory. the acceptance of loss. sun on your skin. conversations. the glow of the moon in a parking lot. compliments. childhood friends. current friends. falling alseep next to someone. books. sitting around a fire. climbing trees. sunsets. sunrises. dissapointments. miracles. crying. kissing. love. loss. the past.

I have such a fear of rejection. My friends could all probably point out specific examples of how I fear it so. Especially him. Whenever I say anything even remotely sexual and he doesn’t respond quickly, I say “Or not.” or “Just kidding.” Or throw something else out there real quick-like. It’s a terrible pain.

And he knows. Sometimes he’ll act like I didn’t say anything and will skip to whatever else I’ve thrown out. Or not respond at all.

So, exbestfriend & Eric are ‘together’. I wish that didn’t send me into such obnoxious laughter. At least I’m home alone to where I can crack my shit up in private. [It’s so fucking funny.] I honestly feel bad though. Jes has been lonely a long time and has wanted someone. Especially someone to help her get over him. And Eric has, as well. But he is going to get attached very quickly. And if you’ve seen Jeska’s previous track record. I.E. Kyle.. She may not last long. But I hope they do. =] It’s going to be some funny shit though. I think they’re a lot of alike. They’re both relatively deep and have really good taste in music. And without Jeska’s girls, he doesn’t have to worry about her being anything close to Jessica and Hilary. And plus, they both have a lot of fucked up shit to work on. No downing either of them, though. I have more fucked up shit in my life than they’d ever imagine. -_-

“If you let me sleep in your bed, I’ll buy your movie ticket.” “You know you’re always welcome to stay here luv. Even when I have a girl over and we’re naked in the bed, you’re still welcome.” -Ugh-

I need you, Jesus to come to my rescue. Where else can I go? There’s no other name by which I am saved. Capture me with grace. I will follow you.

 

 

Summer is coming to a close.

I’m sad to see it pass. It’s been really really really really fun.

And it’s been a good experience for me. It gave me a time when I was all alone. And I brought a group together that I never thought would be so close.

And so so so so so so so so many people talked shit about me this summer. Jessica, Eric, Rusty and I..all of us.

I grew up and into myself even more. =] It was nice.

Mmm, nights at Rusty’s with Jess. Staying up late and talking all night. ^_^

Any day we’re together
Is a magical one.
-fairly odd parents

Rawr. But I’m moving to Ruston in less than two weeks. I do nottttt want this. But I have to go. Sitting around Caldwell this summer seeing those boys work every day and then go out and get drunk, go to bed, wake up and do the same thing..I can’t handle it. I am very happy with how my life is right now but I am not comfortable with it.

Roomie Rachel is gonna send me a list of everything I need to bring for college. Thank God.

********************************************

Last night, I just told him I was ready to get drunk and fuck. =] hahaha. But blegh. It’ll never happen. I’m sooo fickle with this situation. I want to and I do not want to. I want to because I want him to be my first …..and I do not want to because I love being the -only- girl he’s not fucking! And I can’t do it right now! Not with the whole situation…him recently fucking Jessica..and with all of the Korey drama. Grrrr. 

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you’re unlike any other?
You’ll always be my thunder
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don’t wanna ever love another
You’ll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
— Boys Like Girls

Music is love in search of a word.
-Sidney Lanier

We did not change as we grew older. We just became more clear to ourselves. — Andy Warhol

I can’t just sit here and have coffee with you. I love you. I know the other night didn’t mean for you what it did for me, but I haven’t stopped thinking about you since it happened, and not because it was great– which it was– but because it was right. It was so right, and you might not see that right now, but I do, and if I have to wait until we’re both 80 years old for you to see it, then I’ll wait. I’m not going anywhere. This is it for me. You’re it for me, and I can’t pretend to feel any less than I do, I just can’t. -Gilmore Girls

you do what you love, and fuck the rest.
-little miss sunshine <33

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others;
they are more screwed up than you think.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon,
and all the less important ones just never go away.

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you’re unlike any other?
You’ll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don’t wanna ever love another
You’ll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain

The 7 things I hate about you
You’re vain, you’re games, you’re insecure
You love me, you like her
You make me laugh, you make me cry
I don’t know which side to buy
Your friends they’re jerks
When you act like them, just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do
You make me love you

You’re vain: You know that I want you..and you let me know how much you know. And you know that I’m right to want you. “Everybody does,” right?

You’re games: You’re totally games. I’m never sure if you’re playing with me or not.

You’re insecure: I know the -real- you that nobody else knows. You’re insecure as fuck.

You love me: Everybody know this is true. Really?

You like her: Seeing you all over all the other girls is completely fun to watch. Except I’m lying.

You make me laugh: Constantly.

You make me cry: Constantly.

The seventh thing I hate the most about you…..

 

You make me love you.

I’m sorry I act like the WHORgan bitch. I’ll never say “Twat did you say? I cunt hear you” ever again. I promise.

Maybe you’re right about the closeness? I don’t know. Maybe so. If so, though, is that a good thing, anyhow? I don’t even know what I’m thinking… I like how you talked about how close we are though. That makes me happy and makes me feel like it’s different between us. I like different.

I wanted it tonight and I know you did, too. Why do we let moments pass us by?

I watched Get Smart tonight. Freaking awesome movie..except I kept getting distracted by everybody scratching constantly. Codeine suckss.

Jessica makes my world go ’round. And Eric, of course. They’re my new little entourage. Them, Carr and Rusty (:

I stayed at Brian’s (handcuffed, might I add, LMAO) until 5:00 this morning w/ Jessica & Eric for a while. They’re soooo cute. Then Jessica and I knocked on Carr’s window and crawled into bed w him. Tonight, he said, “PLEASE NO SURPRISE EARLY MORNING VISITORS” :p He knows he loves our cuddlin’ tho. I lOoOove me some snuggle buddy. After we woke up and took showers (we had the house to ourselves ^_^,) we went to Eric’s and crashed in his bed for a while.

My life is complete because today, I got a carton of cigarettes!!! Holy YES! It’s for Jessica and I to share. lol. It’s cool, we share EVERYTHING these days. Today, Mom asked why we were becoming inseperable and what we had in common. lol. I think she wants me to say “DRUGS, BOOZE and FUCKING!” But, there’s more than that shit. I told her my secret today…. hells yeah. She thinks it’s whatev! SoOo hey! I think I should GO FOR IT.

Love you…goodnight. Can’t wait to talk to you bright and early just like every morning. You’re the reason I survive..you keep me happy from 630 am to midnight!