Black then white are all i see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see.
as below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn beyond the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Life is so different. I’m so different. I’m so happy. 

I just got home from Disneyworld today. It’s a magical little place. The fireworks at Cinderella’s castle almost brought tears to my eyes. I’m talking…amazing place.

I missed my friends, I rode a lot of rides alone and I didn’t smoke all week. But I had FUN.

Sam threw away my cigarettes, so I was BITCHY all week. Not my fault, haha. Take away things I’m craving and you deserve bitchiness! Duh! That’s how life works.

My best joke all week was definitely –> Dock – “It’s two doors down.” Me – “Or THREE DOORS DOWN!!” haha.. Love it.

I’m over this
I’m tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling’s gone
There’s nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know

I’ve lost interest in those boys I was interested in. Especially the one I’ll be seeing probably a lot come August. In fact, he told me that he’d pretend like nothing was ever said..nothing was ever discussed..nothing ever happened. It’s not like I liked him, though. I mean, he cured boredom and more things..more than once. And whenever I learned that there were other boys who were interested in being the cure, as well, I looked to them first and foremost. But he’s still there when I’m feelin’ restless. But he isn’t as fun as he used to be when it was all new. (How did all this BEGIN, anyway?) Now, the only time I mention sex, it’s with the one person who will probably ending up taking my virginity. Like I haven’t given him enough of me, right?! ha. I’m still not positive about that situation but we’ve been talking about it seriously. It’s almost fucking funny. Like, we recently discussed the afterwards situation and everything…

 

Hey, Brian Ryan wants to do something RIGHT NOW..so I’m going to go see what I can do!

Amazing things I’ve done so far

1.) Gone to orientation.

2.) Made an awesome new friend, Erin.

3.) Drank ONE crown & coke ‘n three beers at BJ’s & threw up on campus..

4.) Went to a frat party (:

5.) Went back to Milldale and remembered EVERYTHING.

6.) Turned into a total SLUT. Minus sex.

7.) Started hanging out w/ Eric and Jessica G a lot.

8.) Loved and hated the same boy in 20 minutes.

9.) Drove Eric’s truck home from Monroe.

10.) Rode w/ someone who was both drunk and high.

11.) Got really used to smot pokers.

I’m gonna need you to learn to accept me for exactly who I am and the things I do.

I don’t care WHAT ANYBODY thinks of me.

It was you who showed me who I am and taught me how to stand for what I know is real.

I’m going to really UPDATE in like 28 minutes.

Yeah.

 

I have to pee.

 

Again.

 

I talked to Jeska tonight

and I cried the entire time.

………………………………..

 

Went to Johnnys with my boys 🙂

Hung out with Jesse for the last time before he goes back to Florida!! Ima miss that guy. 

Rode around with Carr a bit… We went to Sonic to see Kristin but ended up just sitting in the truck talking for like an hour. It was very refreshing.

Eric built a fire in his back yard thing, so we ended up over there until about 12:30. :] Fish, Matt & Eric sat around drinking beer and playing the guitar. And I just sat with Carr talking & cuddlin up (except for when I was on the phone with Jeska)

Because a song can take you back instantly to a moment, a place, or even a person.
No matter what else has changed in you or the world, that one song stays the same,
Just like that moment. Which is pretty amazing, when you actually think about it.
-Sarah Dessen; Just Listen

I just think that some things are meant to be broken. Imperfect. Chaotic. It’s just the universe’s way of providing contrast, you know? There have to be a few holes in the road. It’s how life is.
-The Truth About Forever

I love you. I’ve loved you for nine years,
I’ve just been too arrogant and scared to realize it,
and… well, now I’m just scared.
So, I realize this comes at a very inopportune time
but I really have this gigantic favor to ask of you.
Choose me.
Marry me.
Let me make you happy.
-My Best Friend’s Wedding

Where you are is where I want to be,
And through your eyes all the things I want to see,
And in the night you are my dream,
You’re everything to me
-Dave Matthews Band

I don’t want to start thinking again. Not like I have this last week. I can’t think again. Not ever again. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.

© The Perks of Being a Wallflower

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”
-the five people you meet in heaven

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we
are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is
only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely
to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or
truer answers.
– M. Scott Peck

I’ve got to start thinking about Sam’s birthday present. Gotta think of something amazing for le twenty-one.

Mi madre recieved an “anonymous call” about my boozin’, eh? I thought it pretty ridiculous and lame. What, are we twelve? My mom is absolutely flipping shit in her mind, but I think she’s trying not to freak me out. Whoever tried to ruin my life loses which is hilarious. I’m still going to the lake tomorrow.

Roy has been declared the big brother. He shall take care of me and not let me out of his sight or do anything scandalous. Plan accordingly.

 

I ran into Jody in the mall today and he spent the day with me. I bought a bathing suit at Old Navy which is rather revealing. You can see my pretty bruise on my left breast. Who is ready to answer lots of inquiries? Not me! “Oh, this? Oh! It’s nothing.”

I also bought a new purse because my makeup busted in my regular one. I went from classy to hippie. Me gusta though, so it doesn’t matter. And, its completely acceptable. I asked advice of a Spencers employee. I also went to Haskells w/ Jody & his mommy. It was an adventure. She’s an interesting lady.

Whenever I got home, I slept a lot. I usually do. I shaved my legs and then took a nap. I do it so I can stay up laaate. But I’m waking up early tomorrow, so this isnt the best idea. At some point, Roy came and got me and we went and bought cigarettes, went to Sonic for some grub and then smoked a cigarette together in the bank parking lot.

I miss my Sonic buddies quite a bit.

I also miss Folly Molds. And my life in books. I shall go read a chapter now and then probably sleep for an hour or two before I have to get up and wash clothes and pack! I’m so nervous about the trip, but I am also STOKED! This will be my sneak peak into my future college life. It’s going to be one hell of a ride.

 

S

oOoOo much has happened lately! I lead a very confusing and interesting life!

 

Jeff and Jeska basically told me that they didn’t want much to do with me, so I’m growing away from that ordeal honestly… it’s been really hard for me because I didn’t understand what was wrong with me and that’s been affecting a lot of things in my life, but I’m getting over all of that currently. I kept asking Sarah & Roy what was wrong with me. But they said nothing! Said it wasn’t my fault at all. I love them.. I hope it’s true.

OOB 1) I’ve been spending a lot of time with Roy. He’s become my absolute best friend in the last month.  And it’s fun. He’s been ridiculously amazing to me and has been there for me through all of my rants and raves. [And there have been a LOT of those!]

OOB 2) I lost my cellphone -again-. I’m pretty mad because I think somebody stole it at Sonic and that really pisses me off. “She just lost it and wants to look cool.” haha! Thanks, Fishy!

OOB 3) As of yesterday, I quit Sonic. Lance got fired the night before and when I woke up, I knew I couldn’t go back so I called her up and quit! I feel -so- free!! I was tired of being in “PARADISE!!” hahaha.

OOB 4) Rusty and Morgan are back together!! Whenever I found out, I had a slight panic attack…In fact, I think I quit breathing for a little bit. I freaked the hell out. Whenever I chilled out, I just got really mad. But now I’m over it, haha.

So let’s see…what have I been doing? I stayed with my Samantha the night after the senior night at church. I had a long, jungle juice’d night at Amber Silvie’s and made out with Roy. I went swimming at Amber’s aunt’s house and saw this snake child on youtube. I watched Enchanted w/ Melissa, Roy & Harrison and then stayed the night at Mel’s. I went to Monroe with Lance, Nathan & Jeska and got donuts!   Roy & I went and saw What Happens in Vegas and stayed the night at Sarah’s, dyed my hair, watched 13 going on 30 & played Disney Trivial Pursuit. ^_^ Earlier, I went and ate McDonalds with Catfish for lunch and I’d totally missed hanging out with him. Tonight, I went over to Justin Carr’s w/ Matt & Eric! Fishy, Jessica Girod & Roy met us over there and we all hung out. Eric drank a lot of beer-lol. He always drinks so much, it’s hilarious. I dropped a cigarette into my shirt. It was quite painful.

Tomorrow, I’m going to Monroe to buy a bathing suit and I’m going to the lake w/ Melissa, Kaylin, Roy & a bunch of other people from Thursday – Sunday! I’m nervous because there’s going to be a lot of crazy things going on there. But, I have more self control than I show. Kaylin is so stoked that I’m going and I’m so ready to spend a couple days with her! She said we have to have a long talk..and i’m scared, haha.

I should probably be really worried about losing Jeff and Jeska because I mean, they’ve been my everything for two freaking years. I do care, but I’m honestly thinking I’m doing the best thing by not bothering them into keeping friends w/ me. If they aren’t interested, there’s no reason I should be. I can’t keep living for other people! I am making myself happy right now and I love it! I love having a bunch of random friends to hang out with! I love not being confined like I have been! I’m freaking happy right now. Even if sometimes I get caught on not understanding. I put my head on Roy’s shoulder tonight and told him that the only thing that made me happy was my cigarettes. haha. That’s not true though. As much as I love my smoking breaks, I love who I’m smoking with the most! 🙂

 

I graduated!!!!!!

“We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little bit of each other everywhere.”
-Tim McGraw

I’m currently very happy. A lot of stuff should be making me sad, but I think I’m going to be okay. I don’t have to work until until Monday and that makes me very happy. =] I went to my dermatologist appointment today and that was fun. I got a shot and was very happy about that. Hopefully everything is going to clear up and I’m going to be amazing and happy Friday! We met my sister up there and she took me shopping. I bought a new blue jean skirt and a pretty shirt and a halter top as well. They make me very happy. Not sure which shirt I’m wearing after grad tho! So, I ran into Daniella today! It was hilarious and I couldn’t believe it. But it made me very happy. I’d missed that girl so much! I helped her friend pick out shorts, haha. And then we found Rachel a graduation dress && such. I bought Mr. Hillman a card and my parents one. 🙂 Just to thank them for all aiding me to be the person I am today. Now I’m sitting at Rachel’s watching CMT…because that makes me cool. I’m an international harvesterrr 🙂 hehe.

Matt Ballard called a minute ago. He’s ridiculously hilarious. So I talked to him for a while and then talked to Eric, Penguin & Justin Carr. They’re the best. I think me and Eric are now cool-lol. We’re just going to say it was the jack talking and leave it at that.

It honestly hasn’t been the best of times lately. I’ve been fighting with my parents a lot and the other night, I left. Roy came and picked me up and I stayed over there that night. Weird, I know. Believe meeee–I know. But, it was fun! We played Ispy! haha. And I’ve been talking a lot to Jody & Kaylin. And Penguin. Me and Penguin have been hanging out almost every night at Sonic until one o’clock in the morning. Before he moves to Nebraska, we’re getting close just to make me even more sad when he moves.

I’m still continuing to have those best friends problems I’ve been going on and on about for months. It hasn’t gotten any better. In fact, it’s gotten worse. But everybody is begging me to just chill out and not worry about it. Graduation night was supposed to be our night, correct? Idk if I’ll even hang out with them after graduation. I mean, I know I’m going to the after party with Katelyn and Mallory and those girls. And then hanging out with everybody at Jesse’s, methinks. I just plan on spending the night with people that I love and who make me happy. No matter what else happens.

Now I’m watching Hannah Montana. You gotta appreciate her and Billy Ray. Mix it all together and you know that its the best of both worlds.

You only want to hang out with me when you’re drunk or planning on getting drunk. It’s the only time you call me. When you need to keep a secret, you call me. It pisses me off! I hear you’re choking on your words again; the secrets in your throat!

It’s like a thousand paper cuts soaked in vinegar.
that’s the way it feels when I see him touching her.
It’s like falling face first into a bed a of broken glass.

His anguish was plain; I yearned to comfort him, but I was at a loss to know how. My hand reached toward him involuntarily; quickly, though, I dropped it to the table, fearing that my touch would only make things worse. I realized slowly that his words should frighten me. I waited for that fear to come, but all I could seem to feel was an ache for his pain.

 

there are a lot of things about me that arent
what you thought. but if you love me, you
have to love all the things about me
– dirty dancing

I wish that I could make him realize that he’s worthy of being loved. That he could be someone’s world. That somebody thinks of him every single night before she goes to bed and every single morning when she wakes up. That someone nearly dies with yearning thinking of his arms around her. That somebody loves him more than anything because he’s fantastic. He is that special