I’m ready for summer goals.

For the next two months, I will not eat fast food. It will be so hard while working at Sonic, but you guys will be my SUPPORT. I NEED YOU. In fact, I will give you all my cell phone number. I need people to TEXT ME ALL THROUGH THE DAY AND REMIND ME NOT TO EAT FAST FOOD! The only thing I will allow myself to consume from Sonic is DRINKS. And since I stopped drinking cokes, I can only drink juices, water and DIET sodas!

Also, I’m going to stop eating school lunches. I know it sounds like I’m being harsh w/ myself, but I’m not going to be unhealthy! I’m just not going to eat a lot of fattening food anymore. And school lunches are disgusting. I only eat them because I’m hungry, so if I start bringing a granola bar or something, I’ll be -fine-!!

I turned in my research paper today–Thank God that’s over! Now I just have 2-3 weeks to finish my memory book!

I’m asking off work Monday to hang out with Kristin! PLUS, Hillary is coming to town and we’re so hanging out! (:

believe that you can write a song and change someone’s life forever..” –Guitar Girl by Sarra Manning

There are three words that sum up my whole life. “You carried me.” It’s a major realization that I’ve had. It’s the only truth in life though. God has carried me through every single situation. It feels good to know that (:

I’m sitting up at 2:30 in the morning on a Saturday night. It’s funny because I have a five page research paper, a poster and presentation prep and a Physics test all on Monday morning. And tomorrow, I will stress all day long about every single thing…when I could be doing it all right now. I’m amazing at how I try to make my life stressful. The strange thing is…I’m not feeling as self-destructive as usual. It’s a kind of happy feeling. I also don’t really have any feelings at all, so maybe that’s worse, but who really knows anyway.

I heard once that a person doesn’t need human relationships to actually feel happy. And to some extent, I absolutely agree. God is the only thing I need-the only relationship. But, ohmygosh, I can not quit obsessing over how lonely I feel!

I’ve been just thinking and thinking about how much I need a new relationship in my life! I especially need someone to care for me. Someone who completely adores me and whom I also adore and we can be happy together. But also, it has completely struck me how I cannot even look twice (figuratively) at someone who isn’t terrible…someone who doesn’t curse excessively or make sexual jokes constantly. I wish it was different.

I finished Guitar Girl tonight. It was quite cute. I couldn’t believe it ended like it did, though. I mean, a lot of things got settled..but not everything. Well, I won’t spoil it for you. I’m thinking I might just spend the next year of my life like Emily Dickinson all by myself in the basement reading. I mean, I can have the internet so I can order books off of Ebay and I can contact the outside world. But, I like the book world..a little too much lately.  I am most definitely going to start buying books left and right. At least three a month (: I have a list! Oh, it’s SO long! I love love love reading.

 Alright, I’m through talking about whats on my mind. I really just needed to talk about something so that I didn’t explode into tiny pieces of ash and confetti all over my sister’s clean living room. It’s time to not sleep. Oh joy, I might possibly get three hours of sleep.

Ariel came and saw me today (:  Highlight of my day!

I got to hang out with Jeska and Jeff for about an hour…so I was happy when I went to work.

Had to close..ha, I knew it. Too good to be TRUE.

My mouth tastes nasty. My head is spinning and I kinda can’t breath.

I have so much to do, but I really kinda almost feel like I’m dying? If this is what dying feels like. Which I think it is!

The best part of believe is the lie.

She likes to party in the backseat,
under the bridge on the Brooklyn side.
Smoking cigarettes in the afterglow,
taking bets that the sun won’t rise

The easiest person to deceive is yourself.

You’re not a horrible person..in fact, if it wasn’t for you, there may not be me. Know that. Please.

I want to cuddle. I want to sleep.

I passed by this guy today. Don’t laugh. But anyway, I just wanted to reach out and hug him. I know that sounds stupid, but I am in dire need of affection..somebody’s body warmth next to me.

I hate being alone.

The only lifelong friend is your sister. She’s made time to hang out with me like every day even when I have to work. And she calls me every day and I always have texts from her when I get off work ^_^ I love my sister.

I already know how strong you are.
You didn’t have to break the furniture.
[Eclipse, by Stephenie Meyer]

Maybe I’m the one that is a paranoid psycho…yeah

You bring the booze, and I’ll bring the pills.
Just a couple of kids looking for cheap thrills.
By day we’re striving pupils. Textbook perfect,
goody-two-shoe’d sweet little ladies.Ha.
When the sky gets dark and the bull-shit stops.
We’re ancy for that first sip.That first trip.
The sweet little ladies turn into loud,
raunchy girls dancing around with anyone who’s willing.
We might not remember,but we wont forget.
Nor do we regret. We live a double life,
one could even say. Different people from night to day.
We’re just a couple of kids that live for the thrill.
So you bring the booze. I’ll get the pills.

It’s late at night and no one’s around
And only my heart is making a sound
I lay awake alone in my bed
And I can’t sleep, should I call you instead?
I think of you far too much cause you, you’re one of a kind
I’m not like an open book cause I’ve got something on my mind
[Can’t Deny, by Alanis Morissette]

In my spare time,

I’m a camera whore. (:

I saw the lovely Matt Ballard and Kurdt Cobain once upon a time in a strange little house with a beer can corner.

Touch my bodyyy.

And that is all.

I’m going to get out of these pigtails and I’m off to my jobbb.

To Do: work. shower. sleep. shave legs. straighten hair. go to school. on time. work on paper. start memorizing physics at work if we’re slow. work from 5-9 and no later hopefully. spend some time w jeska even if i have to kidnap her. take pictures. smile. be happy. take medicine. tan. scream. get better. take more 5 min breaks in my life. talk to somebody about nights off. cash check.kthanksbyeeee

MARIAH CAREY BITCH

I’m tired of lying to myself.

You’re the only one who has the power to change things

and for some reason, you have no idea..

There is no joy in life anymore.

I’m going to bed.

Again.

Going through my closet the other day
Found an old yearbook, flipped right to the page
Of that senior trip down there on that Panama strip
We all started yelling when we smelled the beach
Just couldn’t wait to try our fake ids
We only had a few days, and a whole lot of memories to make
Oh man we were livin, didn’t waste one minute
We talked and drank and danced and said goodbye
We laughed until we cried

This past year my family
Was sittin cross-legged ’round the Christmas tree
Listenin to granddad, we all knew it would probably be his last
He was crackin jokes and we were takin turns
Tellin stories bout fishing or lessons learned
Out on the porch with him we all felt like kids again

Oh man we were livin, sittin’ there reminiscin’
Yeah, we sang and talked and traveled back in time
We laughed until we cried

It’s like the best days under the sun
Every emotion rolled into one
A little of this, A little of that
Kinda happy, Kinda sad

Just the other night the baby was cryin
So I got out of bed rocked her awhile and I held her tight
And I told her it would be all right
My mind went back to a few years ago
We tried so long, we almost gave up hope
And I remember you comin’ in and tellin me the news
Oh man we were livin, goin crazy in the kitchen
We danced and screamed and held each other tight
We laughed until we cried

<33 Jason Aldean

So I’m pretty sick. Terrible sinus infection. “Oh but you’re not contagious!” Been runnin’ fever. 101 when I Woke up. Went to the doctor this mornin’. Prescribed me a gazillion things, gave me two shots and said I can’t go to work or school for three days. But I’m going back to both on Wednesday, she just don’t know it.

YAH TRICK

For the next 42 hours, I will be watching movies, playing on xanga, thinking about working on my scrapbook but not actually doing it and sleeping =]

I don’t see what anyone could see in anyone else but you 🙂

I’m ready for college now, please.

You terrify me. I know I’m supposed to be hating you..so why am I not?

It’s like you see me for who I really am..when nobody else ever has.

Even if you treat everybody else I know completely horribly, you always treat me like a princess. =]

i’m addicted to words and they’re useless.

Anybody want to ride around with me and blare Shania Twain && Spice girls?

I need you.

As his fingers ran along my scars

His eyes told me everything

They told me truth

And they told me lie

His lips pressed against my wounds

Instantly healing all my pain

With a simple kiss

–xxmusicxxfreak

Isn’t that beautiful? She’s so talented. That gives me chills!

I decided that I do want kids, but not for a long while. I want to get my livin’ out before I have them. I want to travel and go to concerts and be amazing and then be the Mom. I don’t want to be a housewife and a mother forever. All of my friends have predicted my future as such. I’m going to be a Mom and that’s it. Like I can’t f’n make anything of myself.

I’m dreading prom now..

“Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.”

So yeah, my throat is killing me.

I’m ready to lose weightttt again. I’m so angry with every pound I’ve gained back.

Chicken biscuit (460), half of a med. hazelnut iced coffee (65), water, 1/3 of a grill chicken salad (103), honey mustard dressing (180) INTAKE= 808

So today I ate a chicken wrap, a chicken sandwich, chedder peppers, rootbeer and a kid size hazelnut shake..DANGIT

We talked being bisexual tonight at work. It was fun. I love Delaine. She makes my days brighter.

“I’m dreading the day you leave Sonic, Hil.” Thanks, Kristin. You made up my mind. You know I won’t be leaving any time soon now.

I got my concert night off. Anybody ready to put in our motion city soundtrack and go panicing at the disco?! YEAHHHH

I miss Jeska a lot.

I miss Penguin. And Catfish. And Matt Ballard. And Rusty. And esp. Kyle =]

So my only real OOB today is just a simple question! Why do people purposely put themselves around others who treat them like shit? I don’t understand it! Every single one of us do it! It’s the same reason women stay with men who beat them! Everybody is just so confident that they love another person (whether it be friend, family, lover, whatever) that they won’t let go of them! So we stay w a person and get broken down whether physically or mentally! It’s so tiring watching you guys go thru this…

I’m so lucky.

It’s true..I have fun with you no matter what I do. Especially when we’re grocery shopping. 🙂 

“We never understand how little we need in this world until we know the loss of it.”

James Matthew Barrie

I was 15 minutes late to work yesterday….ugh

I’ve been thinking more and more about quitting my job because I have no time for anything else.

I can’t though because i don’t have any money saved up.

I’m going to ask off a day today..which I’m already scheduled for. But Kristin will be there so I’ll consult her about it..and if she says there’s no way I can get off…I’ll work that night..I’ll miss my concert..but I’ll probably put in my two weeks notice. I don’t know though…

I don’t want to quit..I love my job! I just want to go to concerts and baseball games and everything for my senior year. And I just never have time for my friends. They don’t even know I exist anymore.. It’s kinda like if my friends would work around my work schedule, I’d be content with everything..but since they just decided if I’m working, they can forget about me..I just feel like I have to make them be my friends again…which is stupid. I don’t know, life is just stupid right now.

Talked to Rusty last night.. He decided he wanted to take me to prom, lol. Catfish has to go get fitted for his tux.  But we have no time because I’m always working and he needs the color of my dress.

But anyway, we decided we needed a life change. I’m tired of life being monotonous. Also tired of being sick…yes? ):  And my DIET! LOL! It’s not working at all.

At least I get to work with Kristin tonight. And that’s all that matters anymore.  

That’s my dress, but it’s purple.