My first crush, without a doubt, was Leonardo DiCaprio. He was first brought into my life through the modern version of William Shakespeare’s play, Romeo + Juliet in 1996. After I saw this movie, I was in love. I bought books about him, got pictures out of magazines of him and watched his movies over and over. I loved watching reruns of Growing Pains featuring him. My favorite of his movies was actually The Quick and the Dead. I also loved Marvin’s Room. I thought Leonardo DiCaprio was the most perfect male in the world. I even found him amazing in the movie “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” Some of my friends and my sister also had a thing for Leonardo. We called him “Leo Caperio” for short. I remember reading an article about him in a magazine and the name of the article was “Red Hot Romeo.” Those three words came out of my mouth often describing him even years later. In 1997, whenever Titanic was released, my crush almost became an obsession. I memorized the majority of Titanic and watched it over and over. The media also became obsessed. During the next few years, he became a teenage heartthrob and sex symbol. During the peak of his fame, his face was commonly seen on the front of magazines from Vanity Fair to Rolling Stone. He was also at one time the most searched for person on the internet. A few years later, to me, he lost his spark. I still think he’s attractive, but not like I used to. =]

I work today…430-1130…lalala. Somebody cussed at me over the speaker last night!! I was liekk AHHHH WTF! Sarah came over and gave him a TALKIN TO! haha. So then he turned into an ANGEL! And I used a really sweet voice to where he’d feel bad about being mean to me! haha. HE DID! ^_^

I need somebody to help me w my memory book…because I haven’t done any of the pages. I don’t know how to scrapbook..no lie.

I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last month or so.

Whenever you have to be alone, you have to face the music.

I learned that I can be totally self-sufficient..even if I do get sad without you.
I’m not waiting on you anymore. I’m not waiting on anybody.

I got out there and got a job by myself. I do a lot of things by myself.

But the most important thing I do alone is spend time with friends and with myself.

I’ve been living for everyone else since elementary school..

My life isn’t up to you anymore.

“Can you make a route 44 butterfinger blast?” “Ohmygod, are you serious?”

“Mayo, mustard or ketchup on that burger?” “Surprise me, sweetheart. Get whatever you’d get.”

Time, moves slowly while you’re gone
I haven’t heard your voice in quite some time
But I still see your face
I cannot erase the things you’ve done
And all the ways you kept me hangin’ on

Now your gone
I’ve moved on
And I don’t feel so sorry
Can’t you see I’m bleeding
But I won’t bleed anymore
I’ve held on
For so long
But I had to let you go
At the end of our broken road

Today was work-filled. I woke up about twelve and was like duuuuude, i’m bored. I ordered my beautiful prom dress that I love and then went and bought tanning minutes. Saw Michelle and we talked for a minute. EVERYBODY knows about my wreck. It’s CRAZY..lol. So anyway, I went up to Sonic to check the schedule..and supposedly, EVERYBODY is sick and Sonic was SO busy, so Janet asked me to come in like an hour and a half early. Scott was even there working! It was CRAZY. I worked until closee…ughh.. but Penguin, Fish & Justin Carr came up and saw me & Kristin! ^_^ I love working with Kristin! We have SO much fun up there. After we closed, we sat outside and talked to the three before mentioned boysss. =] Fun times at Sonic after close.

We have a meeting at EIGHT in the morning…I’m full of DREAD. It’s going to start a LOT of DRAMA. I’m scared, haha. Hopefully I can be positive..I really hope so.

I’m going to prom w Catfish! 🙂 I’m excited. It’s going to be fun!

Talked to Jeska on the phone today. I just don’t want anybody to turn this around to being my fault. I mean, you say you miss me and want to hang out. I say yeah, that’d be cool. You say you always get mad whenever we don’t get to hang out..and I say, umm, you’re the one who just said you wanted to hang out with me? I’m quite confuzzled.

I ate crawfish today…..yumm.

I have SO much to do..I’ll probably post a checklist tomorrow. If I have TIME, that is! I have to get up at 730, go to Sonic, sit through that, come home, get ready for church, go there, come home, eat lunch, tan, maybe meet w Jeska, go to work at 4-close! UGH!

This is my dress =] Get excited.

During the 1960s, I think, people forgot
what emotions were supposed to be.
And I don’t think they’ve ever remembered.
-andy warhol

I had a really long day. I went prom dress shopping. I found one I really liked, but it didn’t have straps. Then, I found a style I loved, but the color was horrifying. We drove all the way to Minden, but seriously, no luck. I’m thinking about calling tomorrow and ordering the one without straps anyway. It was so beautiful.

Tonight, I went over to Rachel’s and watched tv for a while and bought a camera offline =] It’s just like Sam’s, but black and I’m EXCITED! So I’m pretty much BROKE until pay day. Mom and Dad went to a crawfish boil tonight and brought me home some grub, holy mess, it’s goOoOod. I ate wayy to much tonight. I was going to start dieting today, but hopefully I can do that tomorrow. It’s hard though dieting and working at Sonic!

About 1030 ish, I went over to Roy’s and hung out with him a while. I really do love Roy. I know I go through my phases, but I really love Roy..through it all. We played Rockbanddddd =] OMGAH, I’m amazing. Haha, actually I = fail. I’m LEARNING though! I played drums like the whole hour I was over there. Whenever Chris takes it back, i’ma have to go to Chris’ house and play! haha SO! I work tomorrow 4-close, so blegh! But Kristin is closing tomorrow, so big fun!

I believe in everything
until it’s disproved.
So I believe in fairies,
the myths, dragons.
It all exists, even if
it’s in your mind.
Who’s to say that
dreams and nightmares
aren’t as real as the
here and now?
–John Lennon.

If wild my breast and sore my pride,
I bask in dreams of suicide,
If cool my heart and high my head
I think “How lucky are the dead.”
-Dorothy Parker

Who are the top five people who inspire(d) you and why?

My grandmother, Ineida Christine Holland Harveston– She is simply amazing. She’s always been my number one supporter and has loved me through everything! She is a really strong Christian and always puts God number one in her life. She has taught me how to love others and most things I’ve learned.

My best friend’s grandfather, George Hatten– He was the most zealous Christian I’ve ever met. He was on fire for God from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to bed at night. He didn’t only believe in God or love God, but Jesus Christ was his best friend, his everything. Whenever he passed away this past summer, I know that God was just so happy to get him home. A saint entered Heaven that day. Everytime I ever saw him, he was smiling and he was positive. He was a total inspiration to me.

My parents, Robin Renee Harveston Nelson && Gary Neal Nelson– My mom loves the Lord with her whole being. She loves him with her whole heart, mind and soul, but most importantly, with her life. She always reminds me to think before I act and ask myself if my life is pleasing to God. My dad also loves the Lord and shows it. He has been through so much in his life…a tough childhood, the death of a best friend..but my dad loves me and I’ve always known it.

My sister, Rachel Christine Nelson Kelly– My sister has gone through a lot of hard times and a big crazy phase, but for the past few years, she has been an amazing Christian. She inspires me through everything she does. Whenever I grow up, I’d like to be just like her. =]

It’s really hard to be your friends.

I mean, I know you’d be there for me no matter what and I for you…

but we don’t really do much together.

I mean, you stayed together a couple nights this week…

And it’s unheard of to hang out with me.

And that’s what friends do, right?

Mr. Ralph passed away Tuesday night.

The wake was yesterday. I went at 7:30 and stayed until everyone left at 9.

The funeral was this morning at 11. Afterwards, Jeska and I rode w Macy, Katie & Roy to the gravesite in Marion. It was crazy. We went through Haile to get there, LOL. We jammed to like Barbie Girl and Britney Spears the entire time, it was amazing.

After the burial, we went to Johnny’s and then came back to Columbia. It was fun, but I was really sad.

I sat w Sara at the funeral and we cried and cried. It broke my heart..esp just to see Roy, Chris, Kami, Primm and everybody so upset.

I worked tonight and we were crazy busy. I’m so happy to be on the speaker now. I love it!  

Watched Across the Universe last night –FINALLY. OMG, it was so awesome!

“I don’t know what I’m doing for the rest of my lie.”

Is my life anything more than another lie?

I’m thinking about an early Monroe trip tomorrow. Maybe with Mom & Sam. I’m not good at those trips anymore, though.
I’m only good at sad songs blaring in my ears.

My nights of happiness are over. I’ve spent many a night after work driving, just feeling the roads around this town. I’d light up a cigarette, turn up my music and just drive until I had to stop. Some nights, I wouldn’t get home for hours. But, those nights are basically over.

I’ve been thinking lately, you know. I love anything messed up..anything that has to fight…anything with problems. I love people with stories. I love people who have overcome depression, eating disorders, self injury. I love dealing with addicts. I love gay people. I love interracial relationships.. I love anyone different. Different is poetry.

Summer, summer, summer. It’ll be here before we know it.

I feel summer creeping in and I’m tired of this town again…

It’s so cold outside. o.O Isn’t it Spring?

I’m sitting here wondering why in the world Reeses are so amazing. I’ve never been the -biggest- fan of peanut butter really. I mean, it’s okay. I like it. I like peanut butter cookies, I like peanut butter & jelly. But reeses’ peanut butter is like heaven in your mouth, seriously. I love it! I cannot imagine life without it. I’m not even kidding.

I like sitting outside late at night with nothing more than a light, my hoodie and my iPod.

Tomorrow, if I go to Monroe, I’m going to buy a new camera.

I don’t know where I’m going with my life, but I sure hope it’s somewhere happy.

I officially hate him with my whole self. He texted me Friday night drunk as hell like always. Alcoholics are poor sad individuals. I’ve always wanted to just help him grow up, but I’m offered enough of myself. Now, I watch him suffer, I guess. It’s all I can do. He’s made me suffer enough.

I really miss Jeska. For the past few months, she’s been my everything. I just miss her being here, especially at night. I need someone to talk to. She always knows what to do. She knows when I need to talk or when I need to cry, sleep, laugh, bum a light, walk.

I’ve been feeling nervous all of the time. I keep just breaking and panicing over pointless things. I keep just having to tell myself to chill out and breathe. It’s okay, though, nothing I haven’t experienced a gazillion times before.

I’d been thinking about spending some time w some family members soon. But, without my car, it will be difficult. Now that I think about it, without my car, my whole life will be difficult.

I read for pleasure and it scares me you don’t. =]

I want to do something to make Jeff love me again like he used to. I know he still loves me. I just wish things weren’t so different. We spent two nights together driving with nothing in the way. I know he was upset. He mentioned it countless times, but I could never bring myself to ask what was going on. I want to know, I want to be there for him like he’s always been for me, but I’m so scared of rejection. I was scared of asking and him saying that he didn’t want to tell me or he didn’t want to talk about it.  

to feel alone is to be alone.

Funny how just when you think life can’t possibly get any worse it suddenly does.
Douglas Noel Adams

The best way out is always through.
–Robert Frost

I’m staying up all night with myself.
This used to be a really good feeling for me.
…But now I’m just getting depressed again.

I just need to get out of here for a while.

Since when have I needed an excuse to be who I am? Since when do I have to answer your questions? Since when are you asking me why? I don’t want someone telling me that the things I do are wrong. If I did, I’d tell my mother.

Hiding is such a lonely thing to do.

I want a companion. I want someone who I can sit on my porch with late at night and talk about theories of life, the universe and fate…

I think I’ve said enough for one night.