It’s been kinda rough lately.

Jeska has been thrown into rehab for no apparant reason.

Something is going on with Jeff and he won’t tell me what.

And I miss my car.

I’ve been pretty shaken up since Saturday morning. I’ve been crying a lot. And sleeping. And eating. And watching movies.

I watched Nancy Drew, August Rush, and Atonement. I loved them all. I’m going to watch Reign Over Me later.

I’m about to take some movies by Sam’s before work at 5.

David messaged me on Myspace and told me to quit laying around because that wouldn’t help me get any better. But, I don’t know. I like sleeping all the time. But, I do need to get out of the house.

I’m scared to close my eyes. I’m scared to open them.
 *The Blair Witch Project

It’s been 60.5 hours since my addiction has gotten the best of me.

Should have,  Could have,  Would have.

It’s so easy in the past tense.
-The Truth About Forever

I totaled my car.

I could’ve killed myself and my best friend.

I hate my life.

Jeff..

..please come see me when you get home.

fIt’s the posse‘s two year anniversary.

I couldn’t believe it when I found out.

We’ve been through so much stuff since this night two years ago.

I miss miss miss those times.

Jeska and Jeff are still my everything. I dunno where I’d be without them in my life.

I want to just sit here and cry about it. But I’ve done enough crying today.

I miss Roy..but he was never really here to begin with.

I’m still the mom. I’m still the one staying up late worrying, shivering with concern.

That’s my job, you see. 

I’m hiding from the truth. My heart will never know, so I don’t fall apart.

Third Day concert tomorrow! I’m so pumped.

“We can wear that on Twin Day.” “We’ll never have another twin day.”

Less than two months and I’ll be out of high school.

Gotta get started on my memory book.

–edit–

I am so upset right now. I can’t quit crying.

Today was almost perfect. (:

I skipped Sunday school and went to check on my work schedule and look for my cellular device (no such luck.) And then I went to church. Afterwards, we had gumbo plates!! So, I went over to Rachel’s and ate with her & Dock. And I watched Varsity Blues 🙂 I was very happy about that.

I took an hour nap and then went to work. Work was fun. I closed with Porche! Her and Lance got into it and I couldn’t help but laugh. It was hilarious. Lance is really psycho.

I love working with Kristin! She’s the best. She bought my food tonight 🙂 hehe. I loves her a lot!

My life has recently changed, I think. And I haven’t really noticed it shifting, but tonight, I realized that’s it’s just different. Not necessarily bad…just different.

I’m off Wednesday! I’m so excited to see Third Day, DecembeRadio & Sanctus Real!!!!

I’m still having some issues.. I mean, I’m still sitting here trying to make myself into what people want me to be and it’s really difficult for me to just be myself. But I’m seriously trying! It’s like I’ve played a role for so long that I’ve forgotten myself.

I’m pretty sure my Mom knows about my random alcohol consumption in the past few months because she keeps sending me e-mails about drinking and printing out random “girls entering college’s drinking” papers.

Today, I was driving around listening to Third Day. I was listening to the “Tunnel” song..and I started crying. It was so amazing to just hear the words, “There’s a light at the end of this tunnel for you.”

Alteshia ruined my life today, haha. I can’t believe that Blue song says, “If I was green I would die.” Couldn’t BELIEVE it!

I can’t believe I’m almost an adult. When did this happen? And how do I make it stop?

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she’s so strong,
but she still sleeps with her light on,
and she acts like
It’s all right on, as she smiles again her mother lies there sick with cancer,
and her friends don’t understand her,
she’s a question without answers,
who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she’s so much more than worthless,
but she needs to find her purpose,
she wonders what she did to deserve this and..

She’s calling out to you, this is a call; this is a call out,
‘Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you,
and I’m losing all control now, and my hazard signs are all out,
I’m asking you, to show me what this life is all about.

I’m not mad that you’ve been at Jeff’s every night instead of my house. I’m just upset that you couldn’t include me. That you and Jeff spend every moment together while I’m at work–and whenever I have a night off, you won’t give up time with him to spend with me.

I went to Kristin’s tonight! It’s so funny because she’s my boss now. haha But anyway, it was pretty fun. I just sat on the couch w Kolter and watched this movie about killing people. We were playing this game like whenever somebody dies, you drink. I wasn’t planning on drinking anything, but I drank a whole smirnoff in like 10 minutes. But that’s all! Because I don’t get drunk anymore. Even when Catfish begs.

I was upset. I’m still upset. Jeska & Jeff came to see me at Sonic today and it litterally broke my heart. Whenever they left, I started crying. I just can’t handle this at all. It’s happening to me again. I thought I’d get through my senior year without another one of those periods of my life. I just wanted to be happy this year. I just wanted to get through my senior year with my best friends and be happy. Please, God..Please let me just end this school year happy. 

I ran into Megan at Amber’s on the way home. Amber & Lee were fighting and Megan was drunk w/ Amber’s parents. It was quite strange. I’ve lost my cellphone. I’m pretty bummed about that.

The miles of air and road and land, that separate me from all my plans. Were havin’ fun, but something tells me I miss someone

My mom woke up when I got home (at 2) and bombarded me with questions about Jeska and I. *sighs* Lies again.

Got to see my uncle Blake today! I never get to see him and I just miss him so much!

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

–Robert Frost

I got my guitar pick bracelet in the mail from Eric today! I was so excited. It just made me so happy for a lot of reasons. One of the main ones is..it’s so amazing that Eric still loves me! I mean, we’re still really good friends just like always. And we have been through so much crap! And he still is trying to make up for lost times that Tiffany stole from us, but the truth is, he has nothing to make up for! I still love him as much as always.

I went shopping by myself today. All I ended up buying was a “Music is my Boyfriend” tshirt, some more mints, some candy Morgan made me buy and two books! Smashed and I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. I really didn’t want to purchase the last one, but this old guy took like 30 minutes looking for it and I felt bad not buying it after all of that. I’m excited about my new books, but I’m scared it will prolong my progress in The Shining. Maybe, it will help me speed up though! I read a chapter tonight and it’s getting a lot better!

I got to eat dinner with my Mom and that made me happy. We never get to hang out anymore. But, she informed me that Coty is in jail. He’s in the second largest prison in the US.. Isn’t that scary? He’s getting out in a couple days, though. ): I was so shocked. He’s been doing so great! But, he didn’t finish his counseling in the given amount of time, so he has six more months of probation after he gets out of jail. And he has to pay his fines over.

I talked to Tony today. He gave me his cell number and told me to call next time I’m in town. I can’t wait to spend some time w/ Skylar, Landon, Eli & him! Its going to be amazing. It’s so funny because he was like “we get to hang out and do something” and I always think of him as so much older than I am! But when I was thinking about it, a lot of my friends are about his age! I think that’s quite humorous..but I miss him so much.

Jeska informed me [even though I had known this] that Rusty is actually engaged to the girl. I just can’t believe it. After the spill he had given me just a few months ago, I can’t believe he rushed into this so fast. He needs some guidance. I feel really bad for him right now and Morgan, as well.

I went to the movies with Rach, Dock, Aaron & Austin tonight. We saw 10,000 BC. It was GREAT! I litterally expected to fall asleep, but it was great. I teared up at the end.. I was kinda confused with the climate change, the random animals and sporatic coming back to life, but I loved it!  

RAWR. I work tomorrow from 4:30-close! Jeff has lit. rally tomorrow, so maybe I get to spend some time with my best friend, who knows! Jeska & Kolter stayed with Jeff tonight. I was left out again, like normal. *sighs* I’ve got to pray about this because I’m just so fed up and hurt. I’m lonely all the time and I’m always alone. There’s no excuses they can give me. I wish for once people would just consider and understand how I feel!

Omg, work was HORRIBLE last night! All of our drink machines went out and we had to pour out of two liters all night. I wanted to cry! And I worked 5 hours without a break when I was supposed to get off in four hours!

Well anyway, I’m glad this week is over. Four more days and we get a whole week off! ^_^

And I’m just paranoid..

“it was a summer’s night and the smell of the old rosebush was as heavy as rain and she asked me in and i followed her up those stairs till morning.”

Anybody wanna waste some time?

.

Oh no, there goes composure.

Whatever I go through leads me to you….I’m not alright.

I get to eat Subway tomorrow. I’m pretty excited. It’s my favorite thing to eat because it’s not a gazillion calories and it’s GOOD and the vegetables are really good for me!

..and now I feel it in my head again.

I don’t write poetry, I am poetry.

Jeff’s not going to Monroe with us tomorrow..and now I’m sad. I cant ever be satisfied.

I spent a few hours talking to Eric tonight.

So, it’s like 1:50 and i’m not really all that tired. I’m starting to wonder if it’s even worth going to bed. I wish somebody was up. I feel like talking.

So I need to make a LIST! Get excited. + Buy tanning minutes. + Get haircut. + Buy skinny jeans. + Buy Rachel’s shoes. + Waste my money at Hot Topic on random clothes. + Play singstar sometime even if I have to play alone. + Go visit Grandmother. + Ask about groceries.

Sometimes, I get in the mood to listen to Tool and I listen to Stinkfist over and over like I’m smart.

“And Hilary didn’t even bat an eyelash. She just kept on doing what she was doing.” That’s because I’m not really the starting shit type like OBVIOUSLY you are!

You are the earth beneath my feet,
You are my gravity.
Cause lately I’ve been tired and uninspired.
Cause lately I’ve been tired and uninspired.

I ain’t doin’ much good, but I’m doin’ my best.

I’ve fallen in love with Gary Allan today.