Maybe I could have loved you better. Maybe you should have loved me more. Maybe our hearts were just next in line. Maybe everything breaks sometimes.

I went to West Monroe w/ Megan tonight ^_^

We went out to dinner at Cracker Barrel! It was great and a lot of fun. Then, we went to Walmart and bought some movies. She bought Forrest Gump and A League of their Own. I bought An Officer and a Gentleman 🙂 I got carded bc it was rated R, lol. But I’m soOoOo happy I bought it. If I wouldn’t have left it in my car, I’d watch it right now.

It was so weird tonight..like it was kinda like me and Megan were the only people in the world we liked. All of our friends didn’t wanna hang out or wouldn’t answer the phone or were being complete idiots. But we had a good time.

True friendship isn’t about
being inseparable, it’s being
separated & having nothing change.

Driving home was insane bc it was raining so hard. I thought I was going to DIE! *shudders* I couldn’t see anything. No joke!

I’m burning this awesome apple pie candle. I usually hate them because they smell like random cinnamon, but this one smells awesome!

Hmph, Jeska and me were supposed to have another crazy Saturday night together…but you know how that goes. It’s so funny how that works. It’s like it’s her idea to go out and hang out and get in trouble, but whenever Jeff comes into the picture, she changes the story and points fingers at me (or in last weekend’s case, Penguin..) and turns it into my fault somehow. It’s almost like girl drama. *shudders* But, it’s realistically no big deal. This is me not worrying about it.

Pouring warm red wax on my arm is something I really enjoy.

I went to work today to fill out some paperwork and hang out with Waldo..you know, the mandatory stuff. I go back on Monday at 6 ish to do orientation! [Excited] “Run while you can..run! Far, far away!” I have to be up there at eight o’clock in the morning to have a meeting about harrassment. The excitement is leaking from my fingernails.

xoxo, hil*

I’m so afraid of the gift you give me
I don’t belong here and I’m not well
I’m so ashamed of the lie I’m living
Right on the wrong side of it all –The Gift (Seether)

The truth is, you could slit my throat
& with my one last gasping breath
I’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt.

Valentine’s Day wasn’t as horrible as it could’ve been. I mean, it was pretty horrible. I cried…but nobody knows that. I ended up getting out of my ortho appointment though so I was pretty pumped about that. Andd, I got some chocolate and my mom gave me some cash to go to the movies. =] Me, Jeska, Jeff & Roy (posse times, eh!) went and saw Definitely Maybe. Omg, it was PRECIOUS. I cried a whole bunch. Jeff said everytime he looked over at Jeska & I, we had our hands over our faces crying, lol. It wasn’t the best chick flick ever or anything, but it was a rad movie. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I cried at completely not sad parts…like the penguins part. Just because I connect penguins with life mates and it just made me cry. What I really enjoyed was hanging out with Jeff, Jeska and Roy listening to love songs. I didn’t feel as lonely…even though in essence, I am still the most alone.

Tonight, me and the J-kids went to Dairy Queen in Ball. =] So it was the best day ever, duhhh! The chicken was great and the moolatte was great, but the best thing was just sitting in the booth w/ Jeska & Jeff talking. I’d missed just hanging out with them two. In my mind, things are still rocky in that department, but I think it is definitely still all in my mind and in reality, everything is alright. I’m really mad at myself for quitting smoking though. Because it has changed so much stufff…and it has made me more depressed. There was nothing wrong with me smoking. And now Jeff and Jeska think they have the right to tell me I can’t smoke because I’ve supposedly made this commitment to myself. The only reason I’d feel bad is because I’d feel like I was going back on a promise to Rusty. Even though he’s gone back on it occaisonally. He just won’t be able to understand my reasoning of not wanting to quit. Nobody could ever understand. It’s another one of my I feel inadequate and like shit the majority of the time problems. Siiiiiighs, I know that I have a lot of inner issues and that I’m messed up and screwed up and ridiculous…I’m basically looking for someone who will overlook all of my insecurities and struggles and love me for me.

Xanga is trying to be all high-tech and it’s SO annoying!

We’re never gonna win the world, we’re never gonna stop the war.
We’re never gonna beat this, if belief is what we’re fighting for.

She was like the third beer. Not the first one, which the throat receives with almost tearful gratitude; not the second, that confirms and extends the pleasure of the first. But the third, the one you drink because it’s there, because it can’t hurt, and because, what difference does it really make?

xoxo, hil*

Ohmygosh, high school is almost over!!! I’m so happy and sad at the same time!!

I have so much to do. I haven’t begun on my memory book.

But I have a physics test tomorrow, so I don’t plan on doing much except studying. I’m going over to Amber’s tonight at eight and congregating with the group. My plan is to take a nap until 6, take a shower and then hang out until time to go over there. 

We went over last night, but didn’t get much studying done. We just talked about senior pranks, ate pizza and watched Robert Plant & Alison Krauss on cmt, lol. =]

I’m really sad about Valentine’s Day..just like every year. But i’ll deal!

I had a lesbianism talk w this chick last night. *sighs* Why do girls like me better than boys?

It just started pouring rain….ooh, i’m so excited about naptime.

 

 

 

I didn’t cheat today. For the first complete day.

I thought about cheating a lot.

Nic fits are shit.

I’d smoke right now if I hadn’t given away all my cigarettes.

I’m so glad I did though. I don’t like to cheat.

I didn’t get to celebrate Heartagram day as I wanted to.

I didn’t wake up until 5:30 this evening.

And then I wore a side pony tail and went to the movies w Jeff, Jeska, JJ & Kolter.

Birds…scream at the top of their lungs every 
morning at daybreak to warn us all of
the truth…but sadly we don’t speak bird.
-Kurt Cobain’s journal

We saw Untraceable or something such. It was gory, but it ended up being pretty good.

I did not have the best time.

And I was cold. I’m always cold. I text you in a group of people because I’m lonely. Especially when cigarette smoke is being blown into my face along with the piercing freezing air.

You make life so hard on me.

She’s a mess and she’s well aware of it.
Her life has broken into a thousand little pieces
and she doesn’t know where the pieces have gone.
She stands a stranger in her own skin.
She wants to get out of where she lives,
just like everyone else in her small town.
She’ll fake a smile if it means you’ll stop talking.
All she wants is to be saved. She’s not afraid to laugh at herself,
or others. Her schedule does not permit her to have a bed time,
and she doesn’t mind. Late night conversations are her fuel.
She gives good advice but doesn’t take any.
She’s always in her own little world.
She has a certain way for everything.
She never tells secrets and doesn’t plan on growing up.
At the same time, she’s extremely mature.
She’s not your average pink-loving, hair-twirling girl.
She likes her personal space and gets embarrassed
when people call her beautiful.
She curses too much and is a mess of bad habits.
She prefers to hang out with the boys,
because the girls are always so demeening & rude.
She wants to be the kidest soul you know,
but it’s hard to not carry around hate.
She believes that a breath at a time is the only working plan,
and doing coloring books is her favorate hobby-other than writing.
She wishes somebody would call her a fallen angel,
cause she tries to be so damn good. She just wants happiness.

I’m so stressed… I’m so messed up… I’m so struggling right now. Struggling to get up in the morning. Whenever I was hugging Jeska before I left tonight, I started crying. And I just thought “WTF!”

You were all I wanted last night. You’re always around when I don’t need you…but when I do, you’re busy.

I just sit in Waffle House like I’m meant to be there and drink my coffee..and eat my waffles.

I just wanna smoke pot and love everybody.

On days like this, I miss Aaron. And I wish you’d accept that about me.

I hope you don’t grow up to be me. Drunk on the roof and yelling at God.

Rusty owes me fifteen dollars. He’s going to forget.

I’m so glad I have a job now.

Well, I’m going to bed..I have to be up in 5 hours for church. So I’m going sleep w/ Ville Valo in my ears. I just wish you’d be next to me when I awoke.

The world is full of misunderstood people.
But she’s among those who can’t even understand themselves

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.
-Juno

 

 

She smokes like there’s no tomorrow;; She says it makes her feel alive. She drinks her wine like water ’cause she feels dry inside. She drives her care like it’s a bullet;; She says that time is slipping away. She never thinks about her future… It’s a million miles away.

Hug the hurt, kiss the broken,
befriend the lost, love the lonely.

I wish I’d just quit talking to him. I know it breaks my heart. Because some days, he remembers. And some days, he forgets. Like last night, he was so close…and  I told him that I hated when he made me miss him. And now today, he’s distant again and duh, it’s my fault for breaking it last night. Buttttttt..it hurt so bad last night that I couldn’t imagine anything hurting worse..but this absolutely does. And it’s like you’re screaming, “HILARY, DON’T SAY A WORD TO ME.” But all I’m hearing is, “ImissyouImissyouImissyou”

I know it hurts. But it’s life, and it’s real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it’s life, and it’s pretty much all we got.- Garden State

 

I picked you out
Of a crowd and talked to you.
Said I liked your shoes,
You said, “Thanks, Can I follow you?”

So it’s up the stairs,
And out of view. No prying eyes.
I poured some wine.
I asked your name;
You asked the time.

Now it’s two o’clock.
The club is closed,
We are up the block.
Your hands are on me,
Pressing hard against your jeans,
Your tongue in my mouth,
Trying to keep the words from coming out,
You didn’t care to know
Who else may have been you before.

I want a lover I don’t have to love,
I want a girl who’s too sad to give a fuck.
Where’s the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet him here,
But I’m not sure.
I’ve got the money
If you’ve got the time.
He said, “It feels good.”
I said “I’ll give it a try.”

Then my mind went dark,
We both forgot where your car was parked.
Let’s just take the train.
I’ll meet up with the band in the morning

Bad actors, with bad habits…
Some sad singers, they just play tragic.
And the phone is ringing,
And the van is leaving
Let’s just keep touching,
Let’s just keep…keep singing

I want a lover I don’t have to love,
I want a boy who’s so drunk he doesn’t talk.
Where’s the kid with the chemicals?
I got a hunger and I can’t seem to get full.
I need some meaning I can memorize.
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind.

 

 

Everybody..check out Ron Paul. www.ronpaul20o8.com

I went and saw my Kaylinface =] She talked to me a lot and I feel so much better about everything. I mean, in all, I’m still confused about my life and the rest of my life and what direction I want to go in and college and stuff. But, she helped me come to a lot of GREAT realizations. She basically told me to quit listening to everybody else. Don’t listen to anybody else and just live for yourself. Nobody is making you do anything. So, there’s no reason to blame anybody else or listen to anybody else!

You don’t like it when I go out? I don’t care!

You don’t like who you think I am? Whatever!

I -have- to live for MY own happiness and not yours! If you don’t love me 100% of the time, then you’re not worth it! I don’t want you to love who I am only half of the time! This is ME and if you don’t accept it, I’m SORRY!
    

And anyway, I get to hang out with Kaylin again tomorrow! And maybe I can find a party in Monroe and hang out with her too! We’ll see.

I got a call from Sonic today and if they’ll give me the job, I’m taking it.

Hey, QUIT being BITCHY to me! All of you! Because I’m perfect and flawless and amazing. And I have proooof. Lots of proooof. From people who loOoOoOove me. So hah! Bet you don’t!

 NoShoesGirl08 [9:10 P.M.]:  and why aren’t we getting married?
Super Cool Fred [9:10 P.M.]:  b/c i have a g/f lol

I’m pretty sure that was a blow. So anyway, I’m engaged to Le ‘Ska & Rustyfacelove. Isn’t that illegal? NOT IF YOU’RE MORMON! Right? Or a Quaker. Or Lutheran or something. =]] Just kiddings.

Anyway, xoxoxoxoxox

are just better
at hiding it, that’s all.”
-the breakfast club

RustyFacesilly and me are supposed to quit smoking togethers.

How bad is it of me that I don’t really wanna?

you were unmistakably my first love
and i will never forget that. even though
we have both grown apart, both changed,
a piece of you remains with me. you will
always be a part of me because you
unknowingly showed me what i deserve
and every guy i’m with for the rest of my life
will be compared to you ❤

And my reasoning for not wanting to is completely ridiculous.. 🙂

But I love to go outside at a party and smoke.

Because only a certain type of people smoke:

The type of people that I like to associate myself with on front porch steps ❤

My parents are playing my PS2. And my dad is reminding me of a furby. And my mom is acting seven.

I was pretty upset today bc my mom is psychotic. She haaaaaaaates me.

It’s like he’s driving in a car, okay, and I just wanna be in the passenger seat, but he’s locked the door and I have to hold onto the bumper. You know, I’m not even asking him to open the door for me, just leave it unlocked and say come in. But no, he didn’t do that. So I’m hanging onto the bumper and life goes on and the car goes on and I get really badly bruised and am hitting poles and it hurts. I mean it really hurts. And yesterday, I had to let go of the bumper because it hurts too much .. it hurts too much. -Gilmore Girls.

This has been a day..and whenever I really want to hurt myself, i IM Jonathan.

sixstringr1981 [10:36 P.M.]:  are we really going to be sleeping anyway?  i don’t think it would matter

So anyway, i’m gone like virginity on prom night.

There’s nothing more valuable than having someone
In your life that reminds you of who you are
-America Ferrera

i’m trying to find myself as a person.
sometimes that’s not easy to do.
millions of people live their entire lives
without finding themselves.
but it is something i must do.
-marilyn monroe

When others demand that we become the people they want us to be, they force us
to destroy the person we really are. – Jim Morrison

Sometimes, I look outside, and I think that a lot of other people have seen this snow before. Just like I think that a lot of other people have read those books before. And listened to those songs.
I wonder how they feel tonight.
-perks of being a wallflower

“I got everything I need right here with me. I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what’s gonna happen or, who I’m gonna meet, where I’m gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people. I figure life’s a gift and I don’t intend on wasting it. You don’t know what hand you’re gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you…to make each day count.”
-Titanic

  

I found my heart.

In a pretty mustang.

Zipping down Hester Road.

Smoking a cigarette.

Listening to Glycerine.