You wouldn’t even know me anymore ^_^

I forgot to exercise this month. ha..

Coffee&Cigarettes, anyone?

I think I might try to do like 3 crunches (=]]) and then read a chapter of Eclipse and retire for the night.

Tomorrow is going to be the longest day ever.

<3333333

I miss waking up to the bitter scent of alcohol mixed with smoke in the morning.

It was only last month, but already I CRS.

I miss youuuu

 

Frick yeah. Having a party at my houseeeeee :]

I got the ‘Ska a nice cheap present that she’ll DIE over! and I’m thinking about making her something nice..and then whenever I get the money, I’m supposed to get her piercinggg. I hope I can because I don’t want to break her hhheeeaaarrrttt. But I need a fugging job!

Angela McDowell said she’s a lesbian. I wonder how many people that makes that I was really close to when I was a kid…like…at least 673,680. Maybe more. Oh well. : P It’s kinda weird..and kinda cool. Most people I know are either gay or bisexual. Like, I know that God states that it’s wrong for a man to lie with a man && such. ‘n I totally understand that he didn’t create us to go so far away from the strait & narrow road.. but like, it doesn’t bother me. I mean, I see lesbian couple and I’m not grossed out.. they’re just a normal couple. I dunno, maybe I’m messed up too? Maybe it’s because I’m so far away in my walk with God.

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one’.” – C.S. Lewis

“The only thing better than singing is more singing.” – Ella Fitzgerald

“Rhythm is there in the cycles of the seasons, in the migrations of the birds and animals, in the fruiting and withering of plants, and in the birth, maturation and death of ourselves.” -Mickey Hart

I have to go into the eating disorder department of psychology. I have to do it..I have to specialize in it and help these girls. Helping mia & ana girls is one of the most important things to me.

 

Okay, I need to go read Eclipse.. I need Edward Cullen.

“Come, gentle night; come, loving, black-browed night; Give me my Romeo; and, when I shall die, Take him and cut him out in little stars, And he will make the face of heaven so fine That all the world will be in love with night…” Romeo and Juliet

Oh, Shakespeare knew the magic =]

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That’s leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose…you’re everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won’t let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you’re all I want, You’re all I need
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want your all I need
You’re everything, everything.
You’re all I want you’re all I need.
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want you’re all I need, you’re everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

So you lit her cigarette
You’re feelin’ pretty good
You think you’ve got a shot
Most girls you probably would
Yeah this is that kind of place
But she ain’t that kind of girl
You’re readin’ it all wrong
Let me tell you about her

She only smokes when she drinks
She only drinks now and then
Now and then when she’s tired
Of bein’ let down by men
You can give her a light
But it’s not what you think
Everybody knows she only drinks alone
And she only smokes when she drinks

Did you ask her to dance
Let me guess, she told you no
Got to take her some place quiet
And see how far that goes
Oh, don’t take it all that hard
When she smiles and turns you down
For a complicated girl
She ain’t that hard to figure out

She only smokes when she drinks
She only drinks now and then
Now and then when she’s tired
Of bein’ let down by men
You can give her a light
But it’s not what you think
Everybody knows she only drinks alone
And she only smokes when she drinks

I miss the way you make me feel. No one could ever make me feel the way you do.

He doesn’t understand.

I was never good.

He was always the good in me.

i’ll develop that beautiful, disastrous fragility; that ridiculous “she needs to be saved” quality that everybody seems to find so alluring.

When he faded, I faded.

I really miss Jeff.

My face hurts.

My heart hurts.

The dark is really darker than usual.

I really miss God.

I hate thinking about losing weight all of the time.

Whenever you gripe at me, I don’t think “I should change.” I think “I need cigarette.”

When I give, I give myself. ~ Walt Whitman

I hate thinking about losing reality all of the time.

I miss myself the day after SHOUTfest.

come down & waste away with me

When reluctant to change, think of the beauty of Autumn.

Who am I to judge you?

And who are you to judge me?

“Wash me and I will be whiter than snow.
Oh, give me back my joy again.
You have broken me, now let me rejoice!”
-Psalm 51:7

I hate that I’ve spent my whole life wanting to be important to you.

she walks with that envied sense of
tragedy, her hair winding secrets in the
wind. her eyes glance distractedly, her
lips display something wicked. her soul
is strong, yet her will is broken. she’s
falling apart and everyone is watching.
what a beautiful fucking train wreck.

New Year’s eve is like every other night;
there is no pause in the march of the universe,
no breathless moment of silence among created things
that the passage of another twelve months may be noted;
and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening
that come with the coming of darkness on other nights.
– Hamilton Wright Mabie

So, I’m not gonna lie. New Years Eve turned out so much better than I thought it was going to. Yesterday wasn’t the greatest day. We admitted some stuff to Jeff and let’s just say he wasn’t Mr. Compassion. But it’s alright. I really couldn’t believe we were going to spend New Years Eve not speaking, but, obviously that’s what happened. My mommy cooked some foods for me & Jeska and we ateateateateate && that was great. But we got kinda ansty, so we decided to head out. First, we went over to Tyler Hitt’s house, but those kids are way too loud on their instruments, so we decided to head down to the Watermark. For the record, me & Jeska are totally gangster and you’re lovin’ it. =] So anyway, Tony’s band was playing and they were really good. I really enjoyed listening to them. It was pretty cold sitting outside, but, whatever. My friends are the greatest. At like 11:30, Megan decided she was going out to Jonathan Johnson’s house. I was almost apprehensive about going, but we decided to anyway.  That’s where I was when 2007 became 2008. At exactly 12:00, I was standing on JJ’s porch with Penguin, Justin Morgan and Jeska smoking a cigarette. It wasn’t the greatest induction to the new year, but it was certainly memorable. I’ll never forget it. Whenever the 2008 excitement was over (by like 12:07), we decided to leave. This is when I had the most fun I’ve had in like 2 months. Me, Jeska, Justin Morgan, Penguin, Brian & Matt Ballard turned up on Sassafrass Road and did fireworks! ^_^ I had SO much fun! We had fireworks wars and we lit the whole gravel road on fire, lol! It was GREAT! At like 1:45, I decided I should go home…because my Mom had been flippin’ out since 1.

 

I don’t really know what all to say about 2007. I feel like I should give it a round of applause for finally ending. It has probably been the worst year of my life. I’m so relieved that it has passed. But, I am in some ways kind of sad. This year is the year that will change us all. Jeska turns 18 in eight days. Jeff turns 18 in thirteen days. And I turn 18 in eight months. (Shut up, lol.) I graduate this year..and I go to college. I’m very scared about this. But oh well.

2007 taught me a whole lot of things I already knew and couple things I didn’t know. I remembered a couple of old faces and remembered the old me. I changed completely this year. I don’t remember who I was whenever the first 12:00 am came around in 2007. Ah, sighs. Here’s to faces I have seen, a carnival of those who dream. Hats off to 2007. Happy 2008. ^.-

so this is the new year.
and i don’t feel any different.
the clanking of crystal
explosions off in the distance
so this is the new year
and I have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions
– Death Cab For Cutie

sometimes you just have to realize
that you can`t have it all. you can`t fix
what you`ve done. you need to move
on & try to be happy. even if it`s the
hardest thing you`ll ever have to do

The world is a better place when you smile.
[ The Guardian ; Nicholas Sparks ]

so think about what you were doing at this time last year. who were your best friends, who were you going out with. think about how different life is now. like its only been a year but it feels like ten. or maybe for some of you, it feels like a couple of months. 

Jeska is in DA. I miss her already.

Lonesome town is crowded,
And everyone’s the same,
With fresh new starts && broken hearts,
And no one knows your face,
Oh, but they have heard of your name.

No matter what they say about it…it was all worth spending time with you.

You were my cure
& I was your disease.
I was killing you &
you were saving me.

JeskaJeskaJeska, i’m sorry. but i don’t know what to do or how to handle it anymore…it’s so complicated. i hate the way you lose control. but you’re just so FUNNY! //and until further notice, you stole my heart forever =]

I love smelling faintly of cigarettes as I drive home.

I can’t believe tomorrow is the last day of 2007. It just seems like this year has been full of blurred days and feelings. We just let the time pass by, and the time does exactly the same thing. We keep going and we keep living, acting, being. This is a cycle, everybody, ready to make their resolutions, to have a new fresh start, ready to the beginning of a very good life. That’s what happens every single year; we want to be ready for the new one, for something we want to believe in, what we want to be. Accomplishing things at the beginning, forgetting the at the middle, wanting them for the new year at the end. We just go by.

Well, hmph, I’ve just been informed (by myself, of course) that I am incredibly ridiculous. In about the last month, my life has completely shifted and I’ve began leading myself down a much different path than I’ve ever been down. If I wanted to, I could blame it on a rekindled friendship (or two or three) that has happened recently. But if I want to be honest with myself, this isn’t their fault at all. This was an internal change that I made back in September.

I’ve lost myself. When I look in the mirror, I have no idea who is looking back. I don’t know what my goals are or who I’m living for or why I’m making the decisions I am. I don’t know where I’m at or why I’m there. Since I was twelve years old, I always told myself that I’d have these kinds of experiences. But now that I’m having them (and too often for comfort), I’m at a standstill. I’m not so sure what to do. I’m having fun, I know that. I still (mostly) respect myself and my decisions. I know that I’m still the strong one and I haven’t disappeared. But I’m still not sure what to do.. Like 85% of the time, I’m completely happy with my life. But the other 15%, I feel confused and suffocated. Last night at 1:30, I had to get out of there. I felt so confined and so confused that whenever I stepped out of that house and closed the door behind me, I broke. I started crying. And before long, I was shaking and shaking and it had nothing to do with the cold air. I drove around for about 30 minutes before going home and I prayed a lot and I sang a lot and I cried a lot. And when I crawled into bed, I felt better.

But this morning, it was eating at me again. The only thing that just bothers me is how far away I’ve been dragging others from Christ…not only myself (that I can fix.) And..just, I dunno. Last night, I realized that I could hang out without conforming…but it’s just not near as fun! *hpmh* I’m still learning and dealing with it right now and I might let you know whenever I make my final decision =]

Peace, Love & Herpes ❤