I’ve had a super long, crazy, random weekend.

“We knew the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love, and even death” ~The Virgin Suicides

And I enjoyed every second of it. Because I suckkk at life.

I mean, you know you’re a screw up when a guy you barely know is disappointed in you.

Fish & Penguin were both mad at me in that big brother type way. ^_^ It was cute. =P

You mean..that was you? The one I’d missed and searched for.. I was looking for…you? You’ve got to be kidding me. Hmph. Well, nevertheless, I’m glad you’re back in my life -.^

Plus, I was laying in bed yesterday morning thinking..”How?” How in the freaking WORLD is this POSSIBLE? Of all the things I’ve done, the places I’ve been, the situations I’ve been put in these past four years….How did I end up here?”

I had to be the amazing best friend that I am on Saturday. I wanted to set his face on fire, not even kidding. If I would’ve had any less self control, his face would’ve been bashed against the floor. And I don’t know a person who could’ve stopped me. I hate you for nothing more than existing.

I couldn’t sleep either. I woke up every 30 minutes from like 4 am to 8:30 when I went home. The funny thing was was that I was never paranoid. I didn’t check my phone once.

And everyone knows I’m in over my head.

[I’m pretty freakin’ sick..I’ve been sick since about 3 am Saturday morning..and i’m not getting any better..just sayin.] I wanted to go to school today really bad. But my Mom said I might be contagious..plus, I was hurtin too bad. I’m dyyyyying. haha..

I love you

I really wish Sam would text me back.

I spent lots of time in CMC today making up tests. I didn’t go to Amanda’s birthday today. I probably should have honestly. My house is changing and changing and changing. The computer is now in Rachel’s room. It kinna breaks my heart to see it like this. I wish I was going to see my Spice Girls. I read a bit today. I started “An Abundance of Katherines” last night. I also wrote Sam back finally. She should love me. :] I want to go see movies tomorrow all day. August Rush, Dan in Real Life, Enchanted && those otherss. I hate people who bash anorexic and bulimic people. Seriously. It breaks my heart because I feel such passion for helping them. Okay…so I found a bunch of Twilight merchandise! I’m ready for a life change. if you were wondering. I wanted to like you because I wanted some inspiration to lose weight.. I needed you to look at me and say, if you lost 50 lbs, I’d want you. And then I could do it. But not you. Just anybody. 🙂 Rachel’s going to go see Roy’s play today. He kinda made me =] today. It was kinda like old times for a minute there.   John Green is a good author. He’s making me think twice about my life. Whether that’s good or not, I don’t know. I’m craving, craving, craving a road trip. We decided on the senior trip the other day 🙂 I’m just glad it’s going to happen.     She wants to go home but nobody’s home. It’s where she lies broken inside. No place to go, no place to go.

So, another day at CPHS. =] The verdict isssss…..meh. It was alright. My mom is talking about getting some kind of surgery. My dad is watching America’s Funniest Home Videos (of course.) And i’m freezing! I’m thinking about eating some spaghetti because I think the slim fasts are all gone.

My EYE is TWITCHING! I’m not even nervous or stressed, but whatever. I have to make up my Calc test tomorrow and finish up English, but I know that’s not why I’m twitching. Maybe it’s because I’m freezing. It’s not even that cold outside. It’s supposed to warm up this week and I’m going to hate it. I’d rather the blanket than the fan. Mmmm, spaghetti. Okay, I’ll stop being random.

I went and saw Christian last night. We did all of his homework and then played kickball. Next week, I’m not going outside with him. I’m going to have to make up something new to do. Something inside and something Christmasy. Any ideas are definitely welcome!

I typed up a test for Mrs. McIlwain after school today. I love helping her so much. Plus, I know she needs me, so it makes me feel good about myself like I’m really doing something to help someone for once.

I got my acceptance letter from Northwestern today. Not that I’m going to go there, but..whatever. I also got my money back from ULM. I didn’t have to pay since I’m taking that collegiate class!! Amazing.

I got Roy’s present yesterday. Yay me. Now. Just like 2853 people more to shop for before I’m through!

So, finally, finally, yes, I’m through with New Moon!! I cried and cried. Edward Cullen is my heart!

The rest of this post will be in honor of the beautiful love story of Bella Swan & Edward Cullen.

“Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars– points of light and reason. …And then you shot across my sky like a meteor.”

Credit to jo_reneeX for collaborating the Twilight icons

it was so hard to wake up this morning
why oh why . .

So my family is on my case about the gas bill. I can’t help it; I just have so many places to go! Like tomorrow, I’m going to do Big Sisters. I’d KILL for it to be in Caldwell.  But, it just ISN’T. And there’s nothing I can do about it. And think about next year when I go off to college and have to drive home every weekend to see my parents, it’s not like I’m begging for this role or anything.

I’m confused about what to do with Christian honestly. My previous attempts are not working, so I’m going to have to try a new way. A new focus.

I’ve got to finish New Moon. I just have to. 
I have a big calc test tomorrow. I have a huge English test tomorrow. I have Physics homework. I have an article due in the morning. Have I done any of this? I put the -pro- in procrastination.

I ate way too much today. I don’t wanna be the fat friend anymore.

I wish I could just sleep these days away
Until Christmas Break
I’m so sick of classes
And I feel lonely

254 days until I can get my lip pierced.

play me something beautiful
&& straight from your heart ❤

“Dumbledore must have known I’d run out on you…” Ron said.
“No…He must have known you’d always want to come back.” Harry said.

My life is totally amazing & I really mean it.

As I rode in the backseat of Jody’s car down the curviest Holum roads, going 60, with my head out the window, Jared Leto blaring on the radio and the cold wind piercing my cheeks, I felt a feeling I can only identify as: pure bliss.

lay down, be still, don’t worry, talk they will. i’ll be loving you until, mornings first light, breaks tomorrow, i’ll take care of you tonight. secret valentine. we’ll write a song that turns out the lights when both boy and girl start suddenly shaking inside. don’t waste your time, speed up your breathing, just close your eyes, we’ll hope its not for nothing at all.   

Today was completely random. It started out with me, Jeska, her memaw & mom going to Natchitoches, but that didn’t exactly work out. About 2:30, we got to Burger Barn & Jeska n I decided to just go home. I think we were both basically upset. But, lo & behold, as always, a window opened where the door closed. We found this AMAZING movie rental store..and the owner gave us some free stuff! We had LOTS of fun there! Whenever we got home, we watched I Know Who Killed Me..and it was actually an okay movie. I enjoyed it, anyway. The parade started at 6:30! I had fun! I ran into Dustin Harrelson and it made me very happy! ^_^ I watched the fireworks with Catfish, Jeska, Carr, Penguin & Ricky 🙂 They were beautiful. Whenever they were over, Carr drove Catfish & Penguin to their vehicle in my car!!! I don’t usually let people drive my car, but what can I say? I have a soft spot for those kiddos! Thennn, I rode with Catfish & co. to Pearl & Sids.. I got free pizza! You gotta love Amber & Joni! We finally ended up at Jody’s house with Wayne playing guitar hero, shooting bottle rockets and tuning guitars. I got to ride around with Jody, Jeska & Wayne..and I really enjoyed that. =]

“We’re all still here, ” she whispered, “We’re still fighting….”

Cause lately I’ve been tired and uninspired.

do you ever get the feeling that you’re waiting for things to happen? just biding your time until it finally does. it shouldn’t be like this. but i can’t seem to change that. maybe i should make a move. do something drastic, something crazy, something stupid. even if i don’t think it’s for the better. just so i’m not waiting any longer. seriously. no joke. maybe.

………………………..

i started new moon. it’s beautiful. every moment, every word.

i walked by myself today. almost a mile, but i was freezing. i’ll finish it on my treadmill. then i do my workout.

take this time to realize
that you always shut your eyes
in the midst of trial
and everything is always right
and I think that it’s time
this battle must be won
but you pushed it aside
pushed it aside
pretend that it’s gone

do you feel the weight of the world?

i’m serious about my weight problem right now. i’m very serious. so serious that i came in and finished my ice cream from monday night. ugh.. and ate too much at lunch. chilicheeseburrito, carrots, beans, lowfat ranch & some chocolate milk. for supper, i ate a lean cuisine meal with a small glass of milk and now i’m closing off the kitchen and i’ll go brush my teeth.

things to do:: finish mile, do workout, shower, physics words,

I need inspiration & motivation.

Let’s be friends.

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I see only what I want to see, I’ll be only what I want to be.
I love you.

I won’t turn out the lights
Just don’t forget to
Think about me and I
Won’t forget you
I’ll write you once a week she said

Why does it feel the same to fall in love or break it off?
And if young love is just a game then I must have missed the kick off
Don’t depend on if she ever followed you or anything but
I’d go through hell for you and

I haven’t been this scared in a long time
And i’m so unprepared, so here’s your valentine

A bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world’s an ugly place, but you’re so beautiful to me

I think about the times, she kissed me after class and
She put up with my friends, I acted like an ass
I ditched my lecture, to watch the girls play soccer
Is my picture still hanging in her locker?

I haven’t been this scared in a long time
And i’m so unprepared, so here’s your valentine
A bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world’s an ugly place, but you’re so beautiful

Although it is such a singular word; there are many variations of the word ‘alone.’ There is the alone of an empty beach at twilight. There is the alone of an empty hotel room. There is the alone of being caught in a throng of people. There is the alone of missing a particular person and there is the alone of being with a particular person and realizing you are still very much, alone.

Today has been so eventful! I got my shots right after school! I got tetanus, hep b and some random mesoigjdgn shot. They didn’t really hurt at all..so that was extremely nice. =] After that, I went to the Post Office to buy a money order for a bit of my sister’s Christmas present (off ebay, of course!) And guess who I saw!! AMY WOMACK! (Well, new last name, but I dunno it!) It was just SO good to see her! I ran over and hugged her and was like OMG, AMY! She’s living in Jessica Lucero’s old house now and she was like COME SEE ME! And I told Rachel that we HAVE to! I completely LOVE Amy! She was like one of my favorite people in the world, I always felt comfortable with her and like I belonged! Afterwards, I helped Rachel move some boxes to her house and on my way home, I found this lil puppy running up and down the road, so I picked it up and we took it around to find its owner. Finally, we found it…and she didn’t seem very concerned. Only reason I picked it up was bc I thought it was Ashley’s. Speaking of, LANEE HAD HER LIL GIRL! Addison Grace! 7 lbs, 2 oz & 19 inches long! AWWW! Anyway, whenever that whole commotion was over, I went to Grayson and walked two miles with Megan Lewis. ^_^ I had fun just talkin’ to her. I love my Megan Lou! Plus, I got to walk 2 miles! We’re thinkin’ about going again tomorrow after my dentist appointment! Yay! Well, that’s about all I have to update on, I guess.

Stop planning your life and just let it plan itself out. Quit trying to find the perfect boy and let him find you. If you don’t want drama, then don’t talk crap. Things are only as complicated as you make them.

He showed me you can find good in anybody. If you give them a chance, a benefit of a doubt, sometimes people disappoint you. Sometimes they surprise you, but you never really get to know them until you listen to whats in their heart.

Weve got to hold on to what weve got
cause it doesnt make a difference
If we make it or not
Weve got each other and thats a lot for love ❤

The first day back at school..was..long. It started out wonderfully, but it just drug on and on. Considering the fact that I’m getting back in to that daily routine again, I’m surprisingly happy with my life right now. I mean, very happy.

I love when life throws you a second chance, when the first one didnt work out for you and now you know you can start fresh. You learn from your mistakes! =]

So there’s this guy..and I’m just trying to hold on to everything else and pulling myself away from him because I do NOT want to fall for him! It will just lead to another crash landing and I can’t do that to myself! Especially when I’m so excessively happy with every single thing! But I’m sure if you saw my outbox on my cellphone, you’d laugh at meand say, “Mm-hmm. It surely looks like you’re trying to keep away from him.” ^_^

My daddy should really learn how not to slam doors. It gets annoying after the 7th time!

Guess what! Me, Mom & Rachel are going to tag Christmas trees in 30 minutes! I’m trying to do something Christmasy every day from yesterday until December 25th! Yesterday, I bought wrapping paper!! Tomorrow, I’m FINALLY going to get my shots. I made an appointment, so I can’t back out!

i don’t believe in guilt. i believe in living on impulse. as long as you never intentionally hurt another person and don’t judge people in your life, i think you should live completely free.
-Angelina Jolie