*The real me is a southern girl with her levi’s on and an open heart. Wish i could save the world like i was Supergirl.. The real me used to laugh all night, lying in the grass, just talking “bout love”. But lately ive been jaded. Life got so complicated.*

A random fact about me: I can be very hypocritical, two-faced, heartless, mean, emotional, depressed, whatever..but i’d rather be laughing. :] And not many people can cheer me up. And it’s way less than it used to be.

So today started out…I was running late and the garbage man almost ATE MY CAR. So I ended up stuck in the ditch..so my car is so muddy..but I got out by myself..thank God. And I got to school at like 7:54 so booyah! I did nothing today. Mrs. McIlwain was sick..so no test! Annnd I turned in my project and everybody laughed at me..cept Mrs Bordelon. I definitely was creative. Just coulda been more confident. aha. I signed me and Jeska up for Fuge yesterday!! hehe. I’m ready for it. Today reminded me SO much of summer and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I’m ready for swimming, riding the fourwheeler, rolling down hills, the works… i’m so ready. But..I was thinking yesterday…It’s already Valentine’s Day. Like..yesterday was Christmas..It’s goin by..and soon high school will be no more. It’s really sad. But anyway.. I feel stupid and contagious..so entertain me….or..i’m going to bed.

Funny thing today. I was sitting in front of Jeff and I was facing the front and he said something about me laughing and I did this thing and he said “and now she’s cocking her head to the side and doing that look that she does when she gets agitated” And then I started silently giggling and he said “now she’s laughing b/c i just said what she was doing” and i was like..WHOAH! haha. Kid knows me way to well for his own good.

you may not understand why they`re the best,
& that`s just because you`re not.
[b e s t  f r i e n d s  f o r e v e r]

thought I loved you;
it was just how you looked in the light.
a teenage vow in a parking lot;
`till tonight do us part.
[[hum hallelujah – fall out boy]]

Beautifully Broken. She’ll cut herself with diamonds, and hang herself with pearls.

Yesterday was superfun. We did lots of fun and even some illegal things! lol. We went and saw Hannibal Rising and Roy bought mine and Jeska’s tickets even tho he’s 16..he looks old! aha! So..the movie was pretty good! And we all 4 bought us some awesome sunglasses! Then we went to walmart and went CRAZY… and we visited some old “posse places.” ❤ And took fun pictures. Now i’m gonna put em on myspace and everybody will be telling stories about how we killed Old Blue Neathery and sacrificed her to the moon god. But oh how I loved returning to the Jaycee’s building…. and tromping through mud and dark alleys…I loved it. Plus, we had red bull..and WOOOO BUDDY! I didn’t get home until midnight last night b/c me, Jeska and Jeff went and visited JJ!! and jumped on his trampoline!! WOOOT!

Today wasn’t eventful..I sang Bobby McGee a few times and went back to JJ’s for like 5 minutes seriously. And now..it’s time for a rant.

I hate what emo has become!! I want to slap all people who think they’re emo and pretend to be emo..and say “i’m being so emo..” AHHH! EMO HAS GONE DOWN THE DRAIN! Emo used to be REAL..and POETIC..I was panicing! at the disco..before you knew how to panic! I LOVE Fall Out Boy and HopeIsEmo.. and I want the whole old Kaylin-Hilary-Jeska “we’re not emo..but so emo” sister stuff. ❤ lol. So…here’s to old times.

I hate myself,
more than I ever let on.
I’m burned out at 22.
I lived too fast and I loved too much and I’ll die too young,
but I chose this cup that I drank from.
Knew what I was getting into.
But I couldn’t let out what I had to keep in.
I’m ashamed of myself and unspeakable sins,
that I’ve committed.

The blade to my wrist,
my head to the wall
and since I slipped on your love,
all I could do was fall.
But now you’re gone,
and I’m starting to see
that without your love
there isn’t a me…

You know..how when you lose a family member..and you stay in your room for weeks. Well, once you finally start socializing again…you’re in a room with a bunch of people and they’re laughing and having the biggest fun..and all you can think is..I want out. I’m not ready. Well, that’s how I felt tonight. I don’t want to spoil the ending of the 6th book for anybody who hasn’t read it. But…I miss him. And, I don’t want to talk about it. I had enough of that today. The only person I care to talk about it with is Jeff. He went through the past 3 books with me..and I don’t think I could’ve gotten through either of the last two books without him. When I finished the 28th chapter, I was in total shock. I just laid there on my bed.. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breath. I didn’t understand. I didn’t cry. I didn’t..do anything. I had no emotion. I finally inched my way towards my cellphone and called Jeff. After I got off, I read the last two chapters and bawled for the rest of the night and late into the morning. I’m fine, but I’m still upset. My friends have told me that they understand..that they’ve been there..and not to feel stupid, but I do feel stupid. One part of me feels really dumb for staying up all night crying about a fictional character. Another part of me..just feels like I’ve lost my mentor, my advisor, the only one in the whole world that I could count on.

But enough about that. I had an alright day. Of course, first hour consisted of me basking in my 102 Chemistry test grade. Oh, yes. Trimspa, baby. (I miss AnnaNicoleSmith) The rest of the day was ‘eh’. I made a 100 on my Spanish test..and taking the English test was so fun(ny). Mrs. Bordelon LOVES us. We asked 100 questions. Seventh hour was amusing. Oh my gosh..I have to do my English project tomorrow. Remind me. Anywho..I babysat tonight. It was..alright. They went to bed at 9:30. It was soothing. Sam came over and we watched a little bit of Tokyo Drift. After that, I went by Jeska’s…just to say hi. There were 105 cops at her next door neighbor’s house..so I investigated..but I suck at that. I vote drugs or domestic violence.

Tomorrow, I’m going to Monroe to see a movie with my posse. Did I mention that today started off 100% good because the “posse” gathered in Susie before school started and sang Aerosmith? Yep. It definitely doesn’t seem right to say “the posse” anymore. Just for the misery we’ve been put through. Oh yeah, we have meetings in the woods, too. Kill people..sacrifice them to the tree gods. *ahem.* Anyway. ….I definitely have just ran out of things to say. I may not be the prettiest girl in the world..but for this moment, I am the most…loserific. And you like that in a girl. Look at me…smile at me..and turn to your friends and say, “Yeah, total loser. But she’s her own superhero.” SPEAK. I’m perfectly unperfect.

singing along in a car packed full of your close friends,
laughing & smiling having the best time of your life
with the windows down & the moon shining bright
now those are the days i live for.

 

If you wanna be honest, I think things are okay. Life is still pretty bluh. Except I made a 102 on my Chemistry test today and it was Stok. and it makes me feel super accomplished and happy because I hate Stok!! It’s super crap. So, hmm, last night was church..and we skipped out on most of it because we were 20 minutes late and left about 30 minutes early. But we were there long enough to watch Jason Roy’s testimony. He’s the leader singer of Building 429 fyi. And he’s really cool..and has a great family testimony. I liked it a lot. After church, we hung out with Rachel and Dock for an hour or so…pretty funny. They love eachother. I didn’t get to sleep until midnight-ish last night..but that’s alright.

And I swear
That I dont have a gun
No I dont have a gun
No I dont have a gun

My american history test isn’t until Monday. And everybody elses is tomorrow. But our class is hell for her..so we’re always miserably late. *sad* Kori is in the hospital..I think she’s in ICU..and I miss her. And I need to go see her tomorrow. Elisa left yesterday..and she’s my favorite and I miss her already. I still want to kill those select few people who are driving me up the wall. And the whole left side of my face hurts..including my brain, ear, jaw, mouth and…eyebrow.

Oh, it’s a beautiful thing
Don’t think I can keep it all in, no
And if you asked me why I changed
All I gotta do is say your sweet name

K..i’m pretty much out. Tonight is Harry Potter night…(laughs) What night isn’t, right? xoxo, hil*

I could say a lot of things right now…but all I can really say..is…

Life’s a bitch..and then you die.

I’m sick. I’ve ran fever all day and it’s not fun. I’ve been sitting in front of this stupid computer for hours. I slept until like 2 something today. I missed church twice..which made me sad. My heart is broke, can I have some glue? I like that lyric. I think I’m dumb, I think I’m dumb, I think I’m dumb. Everytime I update..my mom wants to check her e-mail. No lie. How long ’til this goes away? I read 2-3 chapters of Harry Potter today..which made me happy. (Not for long.) I..watched “A Painted House” which was awesome. Cowboy and Hank made me MAD!! Luke and his pappy..AWE! I loved them. The book was 100x better though. And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven.

Did I do anything else productive today? Hmm, I’m gonna go with no. I went completely underboard today. Got compeltely depressed for like ten minutes. Yep. I hate it when people pretend that I’m a complete idiot. And say I’ve done stuff that I haven’t. It’s like the beginning of my friendship with Jeff all over again. When will it ever stop? *shoooot me* I’m so….bluh today. Maybe it’s the flu. Maybe…..i’m over with.

I went to Monroe with my Mom and Jeska today. It was so much fun! Well, most of it. We ate at The Outback and sat in the bar…super great listening to conversations of crazy drunk people. “Omg, I didn’t know you were watching me scoop that off my pants!” *leans over to Jeska..* “I wasn’t.” lol! Then, we went to Cato’s and bought high heels and scarves. I liiiiike them alot! And my mom bought hot wax at Sally’s (I’m scared.)! Later, we went to Walmart..and didn’t buy anything, but I got really sick and had to go outside and lay down in the car. I slept all the way home and I still don’t feel too great! But I’m aching like I have the flu. -NO FUN!-

I keep thinking about Real Women Have Curves and I did all day. I guess I am a real woman!! But I’m beautiful! Thanks to God for showing me that! I am very happy with myself.

Mama, I do want to lose weight.
And part of me doesn’t because
my weight says to everybody, f— you!

How dare anybody tell me
what I should look like…
or what I should be…when there’s so much more to me
than just my weight! — Real Women Have Curves

After running around Caldwell in search of friends, renting movies and eating at McDonalds, we ended up at Jeska’s for a major girl’s night. Real Women Have Curves was the first movie we watched. It was -great-! Now, we’re watching Le Divorce and it’s interesting, I guess. But the squeeze-it is much more interesting. I love squeeze-its!!! Kate Hudson = amazing. Well, NOW..I’m gonna go. I still have to watch Love Comes Softly and Hilary & Jackie. I’m EXCITED. And I wanna play Battleship!!!!! I’m OUTTTT! But tomorrow I’m going shopping and going to eat with Paul! YAY! I love my Paul Wall! I’m happy! But for now, Le Divorce awaits me.

I’m SO emotional. But I’m not emo. Just EMOtional! Seriously. But i’m amazing….oh yes. lol. Guess what I did today? DEFINITELY bought an old GooGoo Dolls cd..it’s…well…”dizzy”!  YAY! And I ordered brown converse that I LOVEEEEEE. Definitely went to the ENT..and he did some super gross stuff to my ears..but now I can hear..and I feel good. 🙂 SUPERFLY! And TOMORROW is Friday..and I plan on either being spontaneous and CRAZY…or super lazy. SO..peace hoes. Call the phone if you’re interested in selling your heart to the gold diggers. WOOT.

I’ve been livin in fast foward..now I need to rewind real slow…..<3

…does my layout really suck?

I thought it was wonderful.

Take my hand, we’ll make it, I swear.. livin on a prayerr! 🙂

*Kisses*