I’m so depressed and lonely and it’s a really fucking stupid feeling. I feel lonely even in a group of people. Especially in a group of people actually. I just hate this superficial shit. Everybody is superficial. And I take note of the stupid stuff I say when I’m talking to people.. I talk about things that have no actual relevence to life..theirs or mine. I just want to slap EVERYBODY and be like SERIOUSLY?! You would CONSIDER having a job where’d you make lots of money in 3 weeks and then get high/drunk constantly for a couple months and then complete the routine again. I mean, HELL, I’d love that! Who wouldn’t? But you’re considering actually DOING that? And seriously live a life of nothingness….

The only thing I believe in is uncertainty. And that’s the scariest thing I’ve ever said. I can’t lie anymore. I have no idea what to believe in. Except myself. Even though the majority of the time, I’m just an illusion, too.

Of all the things in the WORLD we talk about and I could be scared of, I’m scared of riding in/driving vehicles and sleeping alone. What the hell. And clowns. And the cookie monster. And myself.

Not being able to sleep is incredibly stupid. Thinking is incredibly stupid. I should’ve at least talked to Rusty about important issues while I had him “on the line.” But I know he gets tired of talking about these issues all the time.

Since we’ve begun talking, I’ve begun worrying so much more. I used to be worried about you doing something crazy in the long run. Now I’m scared of you giving up. Or you settling for the robot life and not changing the world I know that you have to. I’m so right behind you…come on.. You’ve got this. Never give up.

Whenever I was 13, I decided that I wanted to do something big with my life. At that point, the only thing I could think of was doing missionary work. I wanted to change people’s lives and give them hope. People have different outlooks on the world and at such a young age, I saw a terrible sadness. I saw hunger, sickness, helplessness, hopelessness…and it scared me. I wanted to give them hope. As I started going through high school, it became harder t see any type of “hope” (no matter what beliefs I tried to force onto everybody) because I felt that the “good” I wanted to show everyone was only in me…and it was only an illusion. Something that faded as days went by. The evil in the world was bigger than me. What could I do? The hopelessness I had previously seen in the world was then very evident in myself, as well.

What if Rusty is right about the “taste of evil?” What if I’m just falling into another form of slavery? What if thats what everything is? *sighs* What if I want to go back and I can’t?

That’s my question to you. One day, you should probably answer it.

The reason I haven’t been writing is because I’ve been at a loss for words. I can’t explain any thoughts that have been going through my head. I can barely express them out loud, how am I going to write them down? I’ve been having some fun lately and have been thinking a lot…a little too deep.

Horoscopes are really scary. I almost cried when we read it.

Tequila hates Jeska and I. It’s true. But, I really hope we get some Jose’ next time we party. Because even though it hates me, it’s a good shooter. With limes. And it fucks me up. And if I’m drunk, I’m not thinking.

I’m off to study for Math with my soulmate in girl form. =]

I love her. She’s the only one that understands me completely.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she’ll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she’s running from wants to give up and lie down

Ready for my tattoo. Peace, Love & Music.

The waitress is practicing politics,
as the businessmen slowly get stoned.
Yes, they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness,
but it’s better than drinking alone.

Pretty girls smoke, too.

I never have any rhyme or reason to my posts. This is life. You never know.

I miss you the most when I’m driving alone
and that song comes on the radio.
You know, the one you always used to sing to me
no matter how much grief I gave you.
You always sang it and I always smiled.

This weekend was really something I needed. I learned a lot and I cried a lot.

We, uh, basically just ‘stayed up late and talked all night’. For three nights straight. And now I know what to do. I can’t even live comfortably anymore. Life is not meant to be comfortable. I’m not a robot. I have to do big things. I need to change people. I don’t know. I’m just so confused.