Only once the drugs are done
Then I feel like dying, I feel like dying

I am sittin on the clouds
I got smoke coming from my seats
I can play basketball with the moon
I got the whole world at my feet
Playin’ touch football on Marijuana Street
Or in a marijuana field, you are so beneath my cleats
Get high, so high that I feel like lying
Down in a cigar, roll me up & smoke me cuz
(I feel like dying)

{Chorus}

Swimming laps around a bottle of Louie The 13th
Jumping off of a mountain into a sea of Codeine

I’m at the top of the top but still I climb
And if I shall ever fall the ground will then turn to wine
Pop, Pop, I feel like flying, then I feel like frying, then
(I feel like dying)

{Chorus}

I can mingle with the stars & throw a party on Mars
I am a prisoner locked up behind Xanax bars
I have just boarded a plane without a pilot
And violets are blue, roses are red
Daisies are yellow, the flowers are dead
Wish I can give you this feeling
I feel like buying
And if my dealer don’t have no more, then
(I feel like dying)

She makes a lot of abstract art
She haggles for the cheapest price
She never orders take-out food
Before ten o’clock at night

She’s really into snow mobiles
She owns a lot of nice flashlights
She cares for all the stupid cats
That never found their way home

She shaves her legs with ginsu knives
She quotes a lot of Annie Hall
She misplaced her virginity
Back in 1995
She’s what’s keeping me alive
She’s the pizza of my eye (i don’t think it’s pie.. but i’m not positive)
Without her near me I would not survive

It gets cold when she’s not around
I float until I sink and get swallowed up
It’s so cold when she’s not around
I wait for her to come home and tell me I’ll be fine

She’s always eating Captain Crunch
She sings a lot of Ben Folds Five
She’s scared to death of cobra snakes
Just like Indiana Jones

She tells the dumbest knock knock jokes
She drinks a lot of Chardonnay
She hates the way I comb my hair
But she married me last june
She was the bride I was the groom
I cried a lot and then we screwed
Without her in my life I would be doomed

It gets cold when she’s not around
I float until I sink and get swallowed up
It’s so cold when she’s not around
I wait for her to come home and tell me I’ll be fine
Tell me I’ll be fine

She loves the smell of Christmas trees
She sneezes when she sees bright lights
She fainted on the kitchen floor
When her father passed away
Our baby girl is due this May
And when the little lady grows up
I hope that she will be just like
Her mother.

(Antonia by Motion City Soundtrack)

She wakes up in the morning
In the same room that she’s been in her whole life
And everything still looks the same
But the feeling of the room has changed in spite
She said:
“You don’t know what it’s like to be stuck in my mind”
She said:
“You don’t know what it’s like to be stuck in my mind all the time”
Bruised lips and the make-up
Tattooed hips and pierced
For the sake of letting everybody know
She don’t belong here
Old tricks that she made up
Attitude
I don’t give a fuck
For the sake of letting everybody know
She says I won’t belong So long
It’s not a lost cause
She’s just a runaway
Is there nothing left for you to say?
And if she comes home
Do you think she’ll want to stay?
Is there anything for her?
She’s a runaway
Turn your back on yesterday
She calls at seven thirty
And wants to talk about her boyfriend one last time
Mom and Dad are fighting in the background,
Shattered glass cuts through red wine
I said:
“I don’t know that I’m right but I know that you’re wrong”

[Repeat Chorus]
Blacked out
Passed out at a party
In another town
With the same old Bacardi
Nothing ever changes what’s inside me
Someone find me, someone find me
My heart showed me the way out
Don’t stop
Don’t give up on me now
Two beats, two streets
Too many repeats to blow my only other way out
[Repeat Chorus]

(Runaway by Zebrahead)

Books:

The Tennis Partner
A Million Little Pieces by James Frey
Don’t Tell Dad
Drugs Are Nice
SLASH
My Booky Wook
Dancing With The Devil
My Name is Angel
More, Now Again: A Memoir of Addiction
Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wortzel
Leaving Dirty Jersey: A Crystal Meth Memoir by James Salant
Gone to the Crazies: A Memoir by Alison Weaver
In My Skin: A Memoir by Kate Holden
Tweaked: A Crystal Meth Memoir by Patrick Moore
Blackout Girl: Growing Up and Dying Out in America by Jennifer Storm
Her Last Death: A Memoir by Susanna Sonnenberg
Candy: A Novel of Love and Addiction by Luke Davies
Beauty Queen by Linda Glovach
Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp
The Lost Years: Surviving a Mother and Daughter’s Worst Nightmare by by Kristina Wandzilak
Smack by Melvin Burgess
Beautiful Boy: A Father’s Journey Through His Son’s Addiction by David Sheff
Madness: A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher
Manic: A Memoir by Terri Cheney
The Torn Skirt: A Novel (PS) by Rebecca Godfrey
Rolling Away: My Agony with Ecstasy by Lynn Marie Smith
Have You Found Her: A Memoir by Janice Erlbaum
Suicide Blonde by Darcey Steinke
Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia (P.S.) by Marya Hornbacher
Swallow the Ocean: A Memoir by Laura M. Flynn
The Bitch Rules by Elizabeth Wurtzel
Girlbomb: A Halfway Homeless Memoir by Janice Erlbaum
Buzzed: The Straight Facts About the Most Used and Abused Drugs from Alcohol to Ecstasy by Cynthia Kuhn
Thing of Beauty by Stephen Fried
Sickened: The True Story of a Lost Childhood by Julie Gregory
Three Little Words: A Memoir by Ashley Rhodes-Courter
My Friend Leonard by James Frey
The Virgin Suicides: A Novel by Jeffrey Eugenides
Cut by Patricia Mccormick
Loss of Innocence: A Daughter’s Addiction: A Father’s Fight to Save Her by Ron Clem
A Drinking Life: A Memoir by Pete Hamill
The Only Girl in the Car by Kathy Dobie
Harmless by Dana Reinhardt
Voluntary Madness: My Year Lost and Found in the Loony Bin by Norah Vincent
Tricks by Ellen Hopkins
Dry: A Memoir by Augusten Burroughs
Parched by Heather King
The Little Prisoner: A Memoir by Jane Elliott
Crackhouse: Notes from the End of the Line by Terry Williams
Hurry Down Sunshine: A Father’s Story of Love and Madness by Michael Greenberg
No Speed Limit: The Highs and Lows of Meth by Frank Owen
Bright Shiny Morning by James Frey
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
Requiem for a Dream: A Novel by Hubert Selby Jr.
High On Arrival by Mackenzie Phillips
Before I Die by Jenny Downham
Nymphomania: A History by Carol Groneman
Stick Figure by Lori Gottlieb
Skin Game: A Memoir by Caroline Kettlewell
The Cocaine Chronicles by Jervey Tervalon
Damaged by Cathy Glass
Glass by Ellen Hopkins
Empty: A Story of Anorexia by Christie Pettit
I Romanced The Stone by Marvin, D Wilson
Shot in the Heart by Mikal Gilmore
Bad Girl: Confessions of a Teenage Delinquent by Abigail Vona
On Wine and Hashish by Charles Baudelaire
Thirsty: A Novel ~ Tracey Bateman
The Heroin Diaries: A Year in Life of a Shattered Rockstar by Nikki Sixx
Diary of a Crack Addict’s Wife by Cynthia Hunter
Crack Head by Lisa Lennox
A Can of Madness by Jason Pegler
A Good Enough Daughter: A Memoir by Alix Kates Shulman
Another Bullshit Night in Suck City by Nick Flynn
Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler Simon
Bad Boy by Walter Dean Myers
Chasing The High by Kyle Keegan and Howard Moss
Clumsy by Jeffrey Brown
Girl Walking Backwards by Bett Williams
Live Through This: A Mother’s Memoir of Runaway Daughters and Reclaimed Love by Debra Gwartney
Loose Girl by Kerry Cohen
Love is a Mixtape by Rob Sheffield
The Last Time I Wore a Dress by Daphne Scholinski
To Walk On Eggshells by Jean Johnston
What Did I Do Last Night?: A Drunkard’s Tale by Tom Sykes

[Movies:]
25th Hour
Fifty Pills
A Bug and a Bag of Weed
Across the Universe
Adventureland
Air America
Altered States
American Beauty
American Psycho
Another Day in Paradise
The Anniversary Party
The Basketball Diaries
Blue Sunshine
Boiler Room
Bobby
Boogie Nights
The Broken
Broken Vessels
Bug
Bullet
Cadillac Records
Charlie Bartlett (:
City of God
Cookers
Contact High
The Crow
A Clockwork Orange
Deep Cover
Detroit Rock City
Donnie Darko
Dope Sick Love
Donkey Punch
Down in the Valley
Dreamseller
Eurotrip
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
Evil Bong
Evil Bong II
Fan Boys
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Flashback
Flirting With Disaster
Forrest Gump
Freak Talks About Sex
Friday
Friday After Next
Factory Girl
Garden State
Get Rich or Die Tryin
Gia
The Girl Next Door
Go
Grid Lockd
Grindhouse
Groove
Hair
Half Baked
Half Nelson
Harvard Man
High Art
How High
Humboldt County
Hustle & Flow
Idle Hands
Killing Zoe
Kiss of the Dragon
Layer Cake
Liquid Sky
One Perfect Day

The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can’t sleep
I need to tell you
Goodnight

When we’re together, I feel perfect
When I’m pulled away from you, I fall apart
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue
I can’t look away
As we lay in the stillness
You whisper to me

Amy, marry me
Promise you’ll stay with me
Oh you don’t have to ask me
You know you’re all that I live for
You know I’d die just to hold you
Stay with you
Somehow I’ll show you
That you are my night sky
I’ve always been right behind you
Now I’ll always be right beside you

So many nights I cried myself to sleep
Now that you love me, I love myself
I never thought I would say this
I never thought there’d be
You
…

I memorized all the words for you
But if you only knew
How much that’s just not like me
I wait up late every night
Just to hear your voice
But you don’t know that’s nothing like me

You know I wonder how you already figured out
All these things that I try to hide
All this time i’ve been hoping you don’t find out
All these things that I hide on the inside

I can’t be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I’m invincible
You come and happen to me

I want to make sure everything is perfect for you
If you only knew
That’s not like me to follow through
Maybe even give up all these dead end dreams
Just to be with you
But you don’t know that’s nothing like me

Hey yeah I wonder how you already figured out
All these things that I try to hide
All this time i’ve been hoping you don’t find out
All these things that I hide on the inside

I can’t be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I’m invincible
You come and happen to me

Now I’m waking up
I’ve finally had enough of this wreck of a lifetime
I never thought I’d survive it
Now I’m taking back
All I gave up for that
Leave my pain behind
Wash these stains from my life

Just when I thought all was lost
You came and made it all okay

I can’t be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I’m invincible
You come and happen to me

I can’t be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I’m invincible
You come and happen to me

I memorized all the words for you
If you only knew
How much that’s just not like me

I’m involved

I’ll move with you

Let’s make our life the best 🙂

Randal told me that I had nothing to worry about.

I have to believe that.

I cannot have any more doubt.

But, I did it again….

…put everything out on the line for a boy.

I’m fucked up in the head.